[Alan Swann has blundered into the wrong restroom]
Lil:This is for ladies only!
Alan Swann:[unzipping fly]So is *this*, ma'am, but every now and then I have to run a little water through it.
Alan Swann:I'm not an actor, I'm a movie star!
Alan Swann:Stone... I'm afraid. I'm afraid. That's why I couldn't get out of the car to see my Tess, my child.
Benjy Stone:Alan Swann, afraid? The Defender of the Crown? Captain from Tortuga? The Last Knight of the Round Table?
Alan Swann:Those are movies, damn you! Look at me! I'm flesh and blood, life-size, no larger! I'm not that silly God-damned hero! I never was!
Benjy Stone:To *me* you were! Whoever you were in those movies, those silly goddamn heroes meant a lot to *me*! What does it matter if it was an illusion? It worked! So don't tell me this is you life-size. I can't use you life-size. I need Alan Swanns as big as I can get them! And let me tell you something: you couldn't have convinced me the way you did unless somewhere in you you *had* that courage! Nobody's that good an actor! You *are* that silly goddamn hero!
Uncle Morty:So, Mr. Swann, we've spent time, we've broken bread together. I feel I know you.
Swann:Morty, I feel I know you even better.
Uncle Morty:So you won't mind if I ask you a personal question.
Benjy Stone:Uncle Morty!
Uncle Morty:What's the matter, you think I was born in Minsk a Pinsk?
Swann:Morty, ask your question.
Uncle Morty:That paternity rap a few years ago - did you shtup her?
Benjy Stone:Ma, he's an actor, not a river.
Swann:Dying is easy. Comedy is hard.
Benjy Stone:I think I'm going to be unwell.
Alan Swann:Ladies are unwell, Stone. Gentlemen vomit.
Alan Swann:Rookie, your Meatloaf Mindanao was superb!
Rookie Carroca:Thanks. That takes two days to prepare, you know.
Alan Swann:Really! Tell me, what was that rather pungent taste?
[someone spits up and Aunt Sadie swoons; the parrot cage is empty]
Rookie Carroca:And they're not easy to work with. They put up some squawk.
Alan Swann:I can imagine!
Alan Swann:[gazing deep into K.C's eyes]These eyes. They're Merle Oberon's eyes.
Benjy Stone:Merle Oberon's! Oh, and what's Merle doing for eyes? Using Katharine Hepburn's?
[Alan Swann pours himself a drink]
Benjy Stone:Mr. Swann, I was supposed to watch you, remember?
Swann:Good. Watch this.
[Pours another drink]
[an obviously drunken Swann meets the writing staff]
Alan Swann:So are some of the finest erections in Europe.
Benjy Stone:Bring Allan Swann to Brooklyn?
Belle:Sure, what are you ashamed of?
K.C.:I mean, what do you want from me?
Alan Swann:Damn you! I'm not an actor, I'm a movie star!
Swann:I haven't performed in front of an audience for twenty-eight years! I played a butler. I HAD ONE LINE!
Swann:I forgot it.
Swann:What's in a name? A rose by any other name would wither and die.
Leo Silver:[reading from the newspaper]"In response to the question, 'What were you doing in Central Park, in Bethesda Fountain, at 1 in the morning, naked?', Swann replied, 'The back stroke.'"
Stockbroker #1:[looking over the edge of the balcony]I think Alan Swann is beneath us!
Stockbroker #2:Of course he's beneath us. He's an actor!
Stockbroker #1:No! I think Alan Swann is beneath us right now!
Alice Miller:Sy Benson: a tower of Jell-O.
Alan Swann:Who is that gorgeous-looking creature over there?
Maitre d':Oh, no, Mr. Swann. This is exactly the way it started last time.
Alan Swann:In that case, we'll just order dinner... for now.
Sy:Leo, it gets me sick to think we gotta put up with some washed-up jaboni who's gonna be running around Central Park with his schlong hangin' out!
Alan Swann:My dear fellow, what I choose to do with my schlong is my business.
Sy:[who didn't know Swann had entered]How's business?
Alan Swann:Never better.
K.C.:Do you think there are funny people and not-funny people?
Benjy Stone:Yes. Definitely. On the funny side there are the Marx Brothers, except Zeppo; the Ritz Brothers, no exceptions; both Laurel *and* Hardy; and Woody Woodpecker. On the unfunny side there's anyone who has ever played the accordion professionally.
Belle:Welcome to my humble chapeau!
Benjy Stone:Two years at the Sorbonne and she still can't get it right.
Alan Swann:Alfredo, telephone the Stork Club, we'll be two for dinner.
Alfi:You sure you want the Stork Club, Mr. Swann?
Alan Swann:It's been a year and a half. Surely they've repaired the wall of the bandstand by now.
[Handing Benjy a glass]
Alan Swann:Stone, you can watch me or you can join me. One of them is more fun.
Alan Swann:Are you still in the fight game?
Rookie Carroca:In a way. I married Benjy's mother.
Benjy Stone:Catherine, Jews know two things: suffering, and where to find great Chinese food.
[Benjy Stone and a very drunken Alan Swann are up on a roof as Swann attempts to shimmy down the side of the building]
Benjy Stone:Let's *not* do this - it's too dangerous!
Alan Swann:Nonsense! It worked perfectly well in "A Slight Case of Divorce"!
Benjy Stone:That was a movie! This is real life!
Alan Swann:What is the difference?
Sy:California? You can't write comedy in California! It's not depressing enough!
Benjy Stone:Sanctuary my ass!
Belle:Allen, what can I offer you to drink?
Swann:Some club soda, thank you.
Belle:[yelling into the kitchen]Rookie, a glass of seltzer!
Rookie Carroca:[yelling back]Pick it up!
King Kaiser:They're not serving tongue at lunch today, are they Leo? No tongue on show day. Twice they served tongue on show day, twice the opening sketch died... No tongue, get it? No tongue. Tongue, death...
Benjy Stone:What are you doing?
Alan Swann:Drinking and leaving!
Swann:[watching a movie]Oh, good God! It's Renfield! I thought he was dead!
[Renfield's character "dies" on screen]
Swann:Oh, yes! So he is!
Sy:Benjy, you want to see movies, get a job as an usher. The rest of us are here to write professional show-business comedy!
Herb Lee:[whispers to Alice]
Alice Miller:[to Sy, for Herb]In your case, semi-professional.
King Kaiser:I don't know. He *is* a legend. One of the biggest stars ever. He's one of a kind. A guy like this is irreplaceable. Replace him, Leo.
Alan Swann:Stone, women love to be intrigued. They enjoy unraveling the mystery that is man, but you must allow them the freedom to discover you.
Benjy Stone:Is that what you do?
Alan Swann:No. I don't have that luxury. The women who are interested in me know exactly who I am and what they want, and nine times out of ten, they get it.
Benjy Stone:That's some curse.
Alan Swann:You'd be surprised. You see, no matter what I do, I can never fulfill their expectations.
Scalfoni:Scalfoni, 1R. You're the best!
Swann:How did you get into the building?
Scalfoni:I'm the Super.
Herb Lee:Oh God this makes me happy!
Swann:[waking up]What is the time?
girl in bed:I don't know. Don't you have a watch?
Swann:No. I'm not allowed to wear a watch.
girl in bed:Why not?
Swann:I don't trust them.
girl in bed:Why?
Swann:One hand is shorter than the other.
King Kaiser:You look real nice today, Alice. Did you get those shoes I sent you?
Alice Miller:Oh yeah.
King Kaiser:Why did you send them back?
Alice Miller:They were the wrong size. And they were used.
Sy:We're discussing morals. We're talkin' generations to come here.
Alice Miller:[for Herb]You're not qualified to discuss morals, Sy.
Sy:Up your hole with a Mello Roll, Alice! You too, Herb!
Swann:[looking at a smashed liquor bottle]That's a sad sight!
Benjy Stone:Doesn't Sy's office take on a whole different feeling at night?
K.C.:Yeah, it gets worse.
Swann:My good man, what I choose to do with my schlong is my business!
Benjy Stone:Mr. Swann, I think I'm going to be unwell.
Swann:Stone, ladies are unwell. Gentlemen vomit.
Swann:[to a random gentleman]Alfredo, you needn't wait. We shan't need the car any more. We're going to throw up in the park and then walk home.
Benjy Stone:You! I need to have word with you.
K.C.:Uh, Benjamin, we're in the middle of an interesting conversation here.
Benjy Stone:Oh, I'll bet it's real interesting. What's the topic of this interesting conversation?
Alan Swann:These eyes, they're Merle Oberon's eyes.
Benjy Stone:Merle Oberon! What's Merle doing for eyes, using Katharine Hepburn's?
Swann:Stone, I didn't marry any of them. They... married me.