Mr. Mike:Good evening. I'm Mr. Mike, inviting you to come with me into a world where the bizarre is commonplace and the commonplace bizarre. It is an odyssey of agressive wierdness. Whatever raw, savage acts man's hellish brain can concieve, our cameras are these, scouring the globe, seeking out the cheap thrills, the pointless perversities, the shabby secrets, the grotesque, the pathetic....
Margot Kidder:Blackheads drive me wild.
Terri Garr:If you want to get to first base with me, honey, spit when you talk.
Jane Curtin:When my date blows his nose in his handkerchief and then looks at it, I can't say no.
Gilda Radner:I go the limit for a guy with bad breath. And if he has plaque on his teeth? Wigga! Wigga!
Deborah Harry:I think it's cute when guys miss the toilet.
Jill Duis:When I reach down and feel a firm colostomy bag, I know I'm with a real man.
Mr. Mike:What you are about to see is not for the weak. It is not even for the strong.
Mr. Mike:Women -- put a bag over their hearts and they're all the same.
Cat Swimming School Instuctor:Boots here couldn't swim a stroke when she first came, but look at her now.
Dan Aykroyd:I'm proud to say I'm an actual genetic mutant.
Carrie Fisher:I wouldn't kick Ralph Nader outta bed
Mr. Mike:Aberdeen, Scotland. Breeding ground for deviants. One is reminded of an old Scottish proverb: the only difference between a woman and a sheep is you can't make a sweater out of a woman.