Oscar Madison:I can't take it anymore, Felix, I'm cracking up. Everything you do irritates me. And when you're not here, the things I know you're gonna do when you come in irritate me. You leave me little notes on my pillow. Told you 158 times I can't stand little notes on my pillow. "We're all out of cornflakes. F.U." Took me three hours to figure out F.U. was Felix Ungar!
Murray:A whole bottle of pills! My God, get an ambulance!
Oscar Madison:Wait a minute, will ya? We don't even know what kind!
Murray:What difference does it make? He took a whole bottle!
Oscar Madison:Well, maybe they were vitamins! He could be the healthiest one in the room!
Oscar Madison:I know him. He's too nervous to kill himself. Wears his seat belt in a drive-in movie.
Oscar Madison:Blanche used to say to me, "What time do you want dinner" I'd say "I dunno, I'm not hungry". Then 3 o'clock in the morning, I'd wake her up and say "now". I've been one of the highest paid sports writers in the east for the past fourteen years, we saved eight and a half dollars in pennies. I'm never home, I gamble, burn cigar holes in the furniture, drink like a fish, lie to her every chance I get. Then on our tenth wedding anniversary, I took her to the New York Rangers-Detroit Red Wings hockey game where she got hit by a puck! I still can't figure out why she left me, that's how impossible I am.
Murray:A suicide telegram? Who sends a suicide telegram?
Oscar Madison:Felix, the nut, that's who! Can you imagine getting a thing like that? She even had to tip the kid a quarter.
Oscar Madison:Don't threaten me with jail, Blanche, because it's not a threat. With my expenses and my alimony, a prisoner takes home more pay than I do.
[about how tense Felix is]
Oscar Madison:Look at this. You're the only man in the world with clenched hair.
Murray:Hey, did you know Felix was once locked in a john overnight? He wrote out his entire will on half a roll of toilet paper. What a nut!
Oscar Madison:Now kindly remove that spaghetti from my poker table.
Oscar Madison:The hell's so funny?
Felix Ungar:It's not spaghetti, it's linguini.
[Oscar picks up the linguini and hurls it against the kitchen wall]
Oscar Madison:Now it's garbage.
Felix Ungar:I was just repeating what I thought you said.
Oscar Madison:Well, don't repeat what you THOUGHT I said, repeat what I said! My god, that's irritating!
Oscar Madison:I know him. He'll kill himself just to spite me. Then his ghost will come back, following me around the apartment, haunting and cleaning, haunting and cleaning, haunting and cleaning...
Oscar Madison:Don't point that finger at me unless you intend to use it.
Oscar Madison:I'm in for a quarter.
Murray:Aren't you going to look at your cards first?
Oscar Madison:What for? I'm gonna bluff anyway. Who gets a Pepsi?
Murray:I get a Pepsi.
Oscar Madison:My friend Murray the policeman gets a warm Pepsi.
Roy:You still didn't fix the refrigerator. It's been two weeks now - no wonder it stinks in here.
Oscar Madison:Temper, temper. If I wanted nagging, I'd go back with my wife. I'm out. Who wants food?
Murray:What do you got?
Oscar Madison:I got, uh, brown sandwiches and, uh, green sandwiches. Which one do you want?
Murray:What's the green?
Oscar Madison:It's either very new cheese or very old meat.
Murray:I'll take the brown.
[Oscar hands Murray a sandwich which Murray starts wolfing down]
Roy:Are you crazy? You're not going to eat that, are you?
Roy:His refrigerator has been out of order for two weeks now. I saw milk standing in there that wasn't even in the bottle!
Oscar Madison:What are you, some kind of health nut? Eat, Murray, eat!
Oscar Madison:I'm $800 behind in alimony. Let's raise the stakes.
Roy:They can do it, you know.
Oscar Madison:Do what?
Roy:Throw you in jail.
Oscar Madison:Never. If she can't call me up once a week to aggravate me, she's not happy.
Murray the Cop:Aren't you worried about the kids?
Oscar Madison:Murray, the kids are living in their grandfather's house with a swimming pool in California. Can we just play cards?
Roy:I told you you'd get into trouble. It's because you don't know how manage anything. I should know - I'm your accountant.
Oscar Madison:If you're my accountant, how come I need money?
Roy:If you need money, how come you play poker?
Oscar Madison:'Cause I need money.
Roy:But you always lose.
Oscar Madison:That's why I need the money.
Roy:Then don't play poker.
Oscar Madison:Then don't come to my house and eat my potato chips.
[grabs the bag of potato chips on the poker table and flings the entire contents all over the living room]
Oscar Madison:You see, wise guy? Potato chips!
Murray the Cop:Oh, beautiful, beautiful.
[an argument ensues with everyone bickering all at once]
Murray the Cop:What are you yelling about? We're playing a friendly game!
[the bickering continues]
Murray the Cop:All right, all right, ALL RIGHT! Calm down, calm down, take it easy. I'm a cop, you know - I can arrest the whole lousy game.
[they all quiet down]
Oscar Madison:My friend Murray the cop is right. Let's just play cards and please hold them up. I can't see where I marked them.
Roy:He owes money to his wife, his government and his friends and he still won't take it seriously.
Oscar Madison:Life goes on even for those of us who are divorced, broke and sloppy.
Oscar Madison:Wait a minute, you're not going anywhere until you take it back!
Felix Ungar:Take what back?
Oscar Madison:"Let it be on your head." What the hell is that, the Curse of the Cat People?
Vinnie:If you need me, I'll be at the Meridian Motel in Miami Beach.
Oscar Madison:You'll be the first one I call, Vinnie.
Vinnie:I thought he looked edgy the last couple of weeks. Don't you think he looked edgy?
Speed:No, as a matter of fact, I thought you looked edgy.
Murray:What are you, crazy, letting him go to the john alone?
Roy:Suppose he tries to kill himself!
Oscar Madison:How's he gonna kill himself in the john?
Murray:Whaddaya mean, how? Razor blades, poison, anything that's in there.
Oscar Madison:Nah, that's the kids' bathroom. The worst he could do in there is brush his teeth to death.
Roy:He could jump!
Vinnie:That's right! Isn't there a window in there?
Oscar Madison:Yeah, but it's only six inches wide.
Murray:Yeah, well he could break the glass - he could cut his wrists!
Oscar Madison:He could also flush himself into the East River. I'm telling you he's not going to try anything.
Roy:Sh! Sh! Listen, listen!
[they all follow Roy to the bathroom door; Felix is heard crying]
Roy:He's crying. You hear that, he's crying!
Murray:Isn't that terrible? For God's sakes, Oscar, do something, say something!
Oscar Madison:What? What do you say to a man who's crying in your bathroom?
Oscar Madison:Hey wait a minute, wait a minute, the pot's shy. Who didn't put in a quarter?
Oscar Madison:You got a big mouth, Murray. Just for that, lend me twenty dollars.
Murray:I just loaned you twenty dollars. Borrow from somebody else, I keep winning my own money back.
Roy:You owe everybody in the game. If you don't have it, you shouldn't play.
Oscar Madison:All right, I'm through being a nice guy, you owe me six dollars apiece for the buffet!
[they all chime in]
Speed:What buffet? Hot beer and two sandwiches left over from when you went to high school.
Oscar Madison:What do you want at a poker game, a tomato surprise? Murray, lend me twenty dollars or I'll call your wife and tell her you're in Central Park wearing a dress.
Oscar Madison:[Felix is making weird noises in the diner]Stop that, will ya? What are you doing?
Felix Ungar:I'm trying to clear up my ears! Fmuh! Fmuh! You create a pressure inside your head, HMAHHH! Opens up the Eustachian tubes. HMAHH! HMAAHH! HMAH-huh! FMAAAAAHHH!
[the other customers look at him strangely]
Oscar Madison:Did it open up?
Felix Ungar:Uh-huh, I think I sprained my throat. Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh.
Oscar Madison:Can't you keep it warm?
Felix Ungar:Who the hell do you think I am, the Magic Chef? I'm lucky I got it to come out at eight o'clock. Wh-wh-what am I gonna do?
Oscar Madison:I dunno, keep pouring gravy on it.
Felix Ungar:Gravy? What gravy?
Oscar Madison:Don't you have any gravy?
Felix Ungar:Where the hell am I gonna get gravy at eight o'clock?
Oscar Madison:I dunno, I though it comes when you cook the meat.
Felix Ungar:[under his breath]Comes when you cook the meat.
[stares at him for a moment]
Felix Ungar:You don't know what you're talking about, Oscar. You just don't know, because you have to MAKE gravy, it doesn't come!
Oscar Madison:Well, you asked my advice...
Felix Ungar:[explodes]Your advice? You didn't even know where this kitchen was until I came hear and showed it to you.
Oscar Madison:Listen buddy, if you're going to argue with me, put down that spoon.
Felix Ungar:Spoon? Haha, you dumb ignoramus, that is a ladle! You did not know that's a ladle!
Oscar Madison:Get a hold of yourself, will ya?
Felix Ungar:You think it's so easy? Go ahead, kitchen's yours, all yours, you make a meatloaf for four people who come a half-hour late. Go on.
Oscar Madison:I can't believe I'm arguing with him over gravy.
Felix Ungar:[doorbell rings]They're here - the dinner guests. I'll get a saw and cut the meat!
Felix Ungar:I'm a neurotic nut, but you're crazy!
Felix Ungar:Funny, I haven't thought of women in weeks.
Oscar Madison:I fail to see the humor.
Felix Ungar:In other words, you're throwin' me out.
Oscar Madison:Not in other words. Those are the perfect ones!
Oscar Madison:You can't spend the rest of your life crying. It annoys people in the movies.
Sports Writer:Well, that's the ballgame.
Oscar Madison:It's not over yet.
Sports Writer:Bases loaded, Mazeroski up, ninth inning - you expect the Mets to hold a one-run lead?
Oscar Madison:What's the matter? You've never heard of a triple play?
Chambermaid:[to Felix as he walks by]Goodnight.
Oscar Madison:Getting a clear picture on Channel 2 is not my idea of whoopee.
Murray:What happened to the apartment?
Oscar Madison:It's been given the Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval.
Oscar Madison:Don't come to me with your petty problems. You get this one stinkin' night a week. I'm cooped up here with Mary Poppins 24 hours a day.
Roy:What if he's laying in a gutter somewhere ? Who would know who he is?
Oscar Madison:He's got 92 credit cards in his wallet. The minute something happens to him, America lights up.
Oscar Madison:Murray, I'll give you $200 for your gun.
Oscar Madison:Where are you going?
Felix Ungar:To the john.
Felix Ungar:I always go alone. Why?
Oscar Madison:No reason. You going to be in there long?
Felix Ungar:As long as it takes.
Cop in squad car:Hey, what are you doing, Murray?
Murray:Off-duty arrest. Caught them gambling.
Felix Ungar:I put order in this house. For the first time in months, you're saving money. You're sleeping on clean sheets. You're eating hot meals for a change and I did it.
Oscar Madison:Yes, that's right. And then at night after we've had your halibut steak and your tartar sauce, I have to spend the rest of the evening watching you Saran Wrap the leftovers.
Speed:Excuse me, sir, but aren't you the one they call the Cincinnati Kid?
Murray:You don't like it, get a machine.
Roy:Geez, it stinks in here.
Murray:How many cards you got, four?
Speed:Yes, Murray, we all have four cards. When you give us one more, we'll all have five. If you gave us two more, we'd all have six. Do you see how that works now?
Murray:Is Oscar playing or not? Hey, Oscar!
Oscar Madison:[from the kitchen]Yeah?
Murray:Hey Oscar, are you in or out?
Oscar Madison:[blows on a slice of bread he'd dropped on the floor]Out pussycat, out!
[In Oscar's absence, Felix succeeds in reducing himself and the Pidgeon sisters to tears]
Oscar Madison:[coming from the kitchen with drinks]Is everybody happy?
Felix Ungar:[serving refreshments at the poker game]Cold glass of beer for Roy...
Felix Ungar:Where's your coaster?
Felix Ungar:Your coaster. The little round thing that goes under the glass.
Roy:I think I bet it.
Oscar Madison:[tosses the coaster back to Roy]Here, here, here. I knew I was winning too much! Here.
Felix Ungar:Always try to use your coasters, huh, fellas? A scotch and a little bit of water...
Speed:Scotch and a little bit of water and I have my coaster.
Felix Ungar:I don't want to be a pest, but you know what glasses can do.
Oscar Madison:[under his breath]They leave little rings on the table.
Felix Ungar:They leave little rings on the table!
Oscar Madison:[under his breath]And we don't want little rings on the table.
Roy:[sniffs]What's the smell? Disinfectant?
[smells his cards]
Roy:It's the cards. He washed the cards.
[gets up from the table]
Roy:I'm getting out of here. I can't stand any more.
Oscar Madison:Wait a minute, Roy. Where are you going?
Roy:I've been sitting here, breathing cleaning fluid and ammonia for three hours! Nature didn't intend for poker to be played like that.
Murray:I'm telling you, I'm worried. I know Felix. He's going to try something crazy.
Vinnie:You mean you just threw him out?
Oscar Madison:That's right, I threw him out. It was my decision. All right, I admit it. Let it be on my head.
Vinnie:Let what be on your head?
Oscar Madison:How should I know? Felix put it there. Ask him.
Speed:He's out there somewhere.
Oscar Madison:Listen, he was driving us all crazy with his napkins and his ashtrays and his bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwiches. All of you said so.
Roy:We didn't say kick him out, Oscar.
Oscar Madison:Well, who do you think I did it for? I did it for us!
Oscar Madison:Yes, that's right. Do you know what he was planning for next Friday night's poker game as a change of pace? Do you have any idea?
Oscar Madison:A luau! A Hawaiian luau! Roast pork, fried rice, spareribs - they don't play poker like that in Honolulu!
Oscar Madison:It takes two to make a rotten mariage.
Felix Ungar:[in the meat department of the supermarket, to the butcher]I'd like, uh, fresh ground.
Butcher:[pointing to the package of hamburger in Felix's hand]That's fresh.
Felix Ungar:That's not fresh. That's packaged. I want fresh.
Felix Ungar:Four pounds. Exactly.
[the butcher gives him a weird look, then turns away to get his hamburger]
Oscar Madison:You're not gonna make any effort to change? This is the person you're gonna be until the day you die?
Felix Ungar:We are what we are.
Felix Ungar:I'll be in the way.
Gwendolyn Pigeon:How could you possibly be in anyone's way?
Oscar Madison:You want to see a typewritten list?
Gwendolyn Pigeon:Oh, haven't you said enough already?
Felix Ungar:A room, please.
Hotel clerk:You alone?
[Felix shakes his head]
Hotel clerk:How long do you want it for?
Felix Ungar:Oh, not very long.
Hotel clerk:Five dollars.
[Felix isn't paying attention]
Hotel clerk:Five dollars!
[Felix hands him a five-dollar bill. The clerk looks it over and goes to fetch a key]
Felix Ungar:Uh, have you got anything, uh, higher?
[Felix nods, the clerk takes the key, goes back and checks]
[Felix nods and accepts the key]
Oscar Madison:Felix, what about next Friday night? You're not gonna break up the poker game, are you?
Felix Ungar:Me, never! Marriage may come and go, but the game must go on. So long, Frances.
Oscar Madison:So long, Blanche.
[sits down at the poker table]
Oscar Madison:Well, what are we gonna do, are we just gonna sit around or are we gonna play poker?
Roy:[they all chime in]Let's play some poker!
Felix Ungar:Hey boys, boys, boys, let's watch the cigarette butts, shall we? This is my house, not a pigsty.
Oscar Madison:[Felix has been shoved into the shower and the water turned on full blast after revealing he swallowed a bottle of pills]We've got to get the pills out!
Felix Ungar:[turns the shower off]The pills are out! I threw up before!
Felix Ungar:I think I'm crazy.
Oscar Madison:If it makes you feel any better, I think so too.
[Felix grabs up a cup to throw it at the wall, but relents]
Oscar Madison:Why didn't you throw it?
Felix Ungar:I almost did. Sometimes I get so insane with myself.
Oscar Madison:Then why don't you throw the cup?
Felix Ungar:I'm trying to control myself.
Oscar Madison:Why are you trying to control yourself?
Felix Ungar:What do you mean? Why?
Oscar Madison:You were angry. You felt like throwing the cup. Why didn't you throw it?
Felix Ungar:Because I would still be angry and I would have a broken cup.
Oscar Madison:You did a great job, Felix. One little suggestion: let's come down a little bit with the lights, and up very softly with the music, huh? Hey, do you think Mozart goes good with meatloaf?
Gwendolyn Pigeon:It's like Equatorial Africa on our side of the building.
Cecily Pigeon:Well, last night it was so bad, Gwen and I sat there in Nature's own cooling ourselves in front of the open fridge. Can you imagine such a thing?
Oscar Madison:Well, I'm working on it.
[laughter from the ladies]
Gwendolyn Pigeon:Actually, it's impossible to get a night's sleep. Ces and I really don't know what to do about it.
Oscar Madison:Why don't you sleep with an air conditioner?
Gwendolyn Pigeon:Well, we haven't got one.
Oscar Madison:I know, but we have.
[more peals of laughter from the ladies]
Oscar Madison:Felix, I'd like you to meet two elevator acquaintances of mine. Gwendolyn and Cecily.
Cecily Pigeon:No, Cecily and Gwendolyn.
Oscar Madison:Oh, Terribly sorry, Cecily and Gwendolyn. Eh, don't tell me. Eh, Robin? No, Cardinal?
Gwendolyn Pigeon:No, Wrong both times, It's Pigeon.
Oscar Madison:Cecily and Gwendolyn Pigeon, The Pigeon sisters.
Gwendolyn Pigeon:Or as our friends at Chelsea use to call us, the Cuckoo Pigeon sisters.
Gwendolyn Pigeon:I'm sorry, I've forgotten your name.
Gwendolyn Pigeon:Oh, right, Felix.
Cecily Pigeon:Like the cat.
Gwendolyn Pigeon:Oh, well, the Pigeon sisters had better beware of the cat.
Oscar Madison:Why doesn't he hear me? I know I'm talking. I recognize my voice.