Philia:That's the brute who raped my country, Thrace!
Pseudolus:He raped Thrace?
Philia:And then he came and did it again! And then again!
Pseudolus:He raped Thrace thrice?
Hero:Pseudolus, people do not go around freeing slaves every day.
Pseudolus:Be the first. Start a fashion.
Hysterium:I live to grovel.
Lycus:Is it contagious?
Pseudolus:Have you ever seen a plague that wasn't?
Hero:For us there will never be happiness.
Philia:We must learn to be happy without it.
Pseudolus:[Speaking of the girl Hero says he loves]A common courtesan in the house of Lycus?
Hero:Is that bad?
Pseudolus:There's no way to make it sound like an achievement!
Lycus:If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times; do not fan the girls when they're wet! But you'll never learn, you'll be a eunuch all your life.
Domina:That breeder woman, has she been thrown a mate yet?
Hysterium:Alas, she refuses just any slave. She demands to choose.
Senex:Choose? She'll breed and like it, like everyone. Well, almost everyone.
Pseudolus:An honest virgin! What a terrible combination!
Senex:A word of advice: never fall in love during a total eclipse.
Hysterium:[He's dressed in women's clothing]My father will turn over his grave if he saw me like this.
Pseudolus:Your father is alive.
Hysterium:Well... this will kill him.
Miles Gloriosus:Arrange food, drink, entertainment, and a sit-down orgy for fourteen.
Miles Gloriosus:What is she like?
Pseudolus:A face so fair, a heart so pure - Sir, if you had been born a woman, you would have been she!
Miles Gloriosus:As magnificent as that?
Pseudolus:We'll need a body. Anybody's body.
Hysterium:Can you get one from Gusto the Body Snatcher?
Pseudolus:He owes me a favor! But he died yesterday.
Hysterium:Uh - what about HIS body?
Pseudolus:Somebody snatched it. Uh, let's see... who do we know that's dead?
[He covers his eyes with his hand]
Hysterium:[sadly]I wish *I* was.
[Pseudolus uncovers his eyes, turns and grins madly at him as if to say, "Aha! That's it!"]
Pseudolus:You must never know what goes on in that house.
Hero:But I do know.
Pseudolus:You do? Isn't it amazing.
Pseudolus:[disguised as a soothsayer and chanting loud gibberish]I say! You are in need of a soothsayer.
Erronius:How did you know?
Pseudolus:I'd be a fine soothsayer if I didn't.
Pseudolus:Don't you think it's time we started trusting each other?
Hysterium:One of us isn't ready yet.
Lycus:This I swear by the great Necrophytes, god of pimps, panderers and go-betweens.
[Exits scene, returns]
Lycus:A new god, but a very hard worker.
Domina's Mother:Gone to see a nose-grinder, indeed. He's cavorting with those courtesans.
Domina:But Mother, what can I do?
Domina's Mother:Return to Rome immediately, before he can do what no doubt he's already done. Go!
Domina:A common flesh-peddler in the house next to ours, disgusting!
Senex:Disgraceful, all that revolting flesh. Just next door...
Hysterium:Rather than let you down, I would die.
Domina:That is what I had in mind.
Pseudolus:I shall return in a nonce. At most, two nonces.
Erronius:My daughter, a eunuch?
Hero:Hysterium, this is Philia.
Hysterium:Never mind who she is! Who IS she?
Miles Gloriosus:Oh, her bridal bower becomes a burial bier of bitter bereavement!
Pseudolus:Very good! Can you say "Titus the tailor told ten tall tales to Titania the titmouse"?
Miles Gloriosus:You, slave, will be torn apart by horses, to the plaudits of the troops and the amusement of the children.
Domina:Forgive me for ever having mistrusted you, my darling. But you HAVE been a little distant these past 29 years.
[Examining a wine bottle]
Pseudolus:Was 1 a good year?
Roman Sentry:It's against Roman law to take one's life. Penalty's death.
Pseudolus:A brilliant idea!
Pseudolus:That's what we need, a brilliant idea.
Pseudolus:[referring to Hero's being alone with Philia]What can happen in an hour or two?
Hysterium:At his age, the mind boggles!
Miles Gloriosus:I cannot afford to offend the gods.
Senex:Son, if you're only as happy as your mother and I have been... my heart bleeds for you.
Pseudolus:[to the stammering Hysterium]Calm yourself down! I'll tell you when it's time to panic!
Miles Gloriosus:[notices the tampered hourglass]I smell mischief here!
Pseudolus:[suddenly filled with dread]It's time.
Miles Gloriosus:[shouting]Stand aside everyone!
Miles Gloriosus:I take large steps.
Pseudolus:Don't you know? When they start to smile, the end is near. I hear it's lovely on Crete. Everyone lying there... smiling.
Lycus:I'll kill him! I'll kill him!
Lycus:The lyingest, cheatingest, sloppiest slave in all Rome!
Lycus:She was sold just this morning.
Hero:Sold! Then receive, oh bosom, thy fatal blade!
[tries to stab himself and misses]
Pseudolus:[takes the blade]Behave yourself!
Lycus:[resuming]He'll pick her up within the hour.
Hero:Then receive, oh bosom, thy fatal blade!
[takes another knife out, tries to stab himself, and misses yet again]
Pseudolus:Put your bosom away!
Hysterium:How dare you call me a eunuch?
Pseudolus:You know it isn't true and I know it isn't true. So what do we care what they think?
Miles Gloriosus:[about to leave his fiance's funeral]But first, a farewell kiss.
Miles Gloriosus:Not you!
Miles Gloriosus:Now, back to Rome for a quick wedding - and some slow executions!
Hysterium:But, Pseudolus - !
Pseudolus:I'm Lycus, and I still know where you keep that erotic pottery!
Hysterium:Well, Lycus - all right, Lycus! He's Lycus!
Pseudolus:[seeing his master, who has been seized and kissed by Philia]Sir! You're back!
Senex:She almost broke it!
[Fertilla, an obese slave, grabs Pseudolus]
Fertilla:My man has come for me!
Pseudolus:Good. Where is he?
Pseudolus:[talking to the audience about the mare's sweat he needed for his potion]Would you believe it? There was a mare sweating not two streets away!
Pseudolus:[He sees Philia kissing Senex but thinks its's Hero; to the audience]He gets to look more and more like his father every day.