Carol Templeton:You kissed me and I was thrilled!
Jerry Webster:A kiss? What does that prove? It's like finding out you can light a stove. It doesn't make you a cook.
Jerry Webster:Okay, so I've sewn a few wild oats.
Carol Templeton:A few? You could qualify for a farm loan!
Carol Templeton:Mmm. This isn't bad, either. But what color's that floor?
Carol Templeton:Lilac? Leonard, who has a lilac floor in their kitchen?
Carol Templeton:Oh. Well, Leonard, everyone isn't as artistic as you are. We have to sell this wax to ordinary, everyday people.
Jerry Webster:[Jerry Webster enters wearing a woman's full length mink coat]
Fred:He's the last guy in the world I woulda' figured.
Doctor Linus Tyler:At last, I've given the world what it needs! A good 10-cent drunk!
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey:I told you sex would get you in nothing but trouble.
Jerry Webster:You're going up there to have my baby. My son. And I'm...
Carol Templeton:It's *my* baby and I'll have what I like. And I've decided I'm having a girl.
Jerry Webster:Have whatever you like. I love you both. Now will you marry me?
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey:Congratulate me, boy. I've saved the day! I've been working with my lawyers and we've come up with an ironclad document that will hold up in any court. This solves everything.
Jerry Webster:Great. What is it?
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey:A full and complete confession. Sign.
Jerry Webster:Are you kidding? I could go to jail for five years.
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey:No. That's covered in here. We make a deal with the judge. Two years. Sign.
[puts pen in Jerry's hand]
Jerry Webster:Forget it.
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey:Two years! It's like being drafted. Think of me as your commander in chief. Greetings from the president. Sign.
[puts pen back in Jerry's hand and tries to manipulate it to force a signature]
Hadley:I couldn't find Dr. Tyler anywhere. The guy has disappeared.
Jerry Webster:That tears it!
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey:Hadley.
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey:Step over to the window.
Hadley:Mr. Ramsey I told you. I am not going to jump!
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey:You don't have to jump. I'll trip you. Huh? Double indemnity. Your wife will be loaded. Kids'll go to college. Right? Come on, boy! Run!
[holds up his leg in front of the window]
Jerry Webster:Pete, knock it off!
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey:[to Jerry]You won't sign.
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey:You won't jump. I'm surrounded by traitors.
Dr. Melnick:What are you doing up there, Peter?
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey:I'm the king of the elevator.
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey:And as Dad always said, "A man who can't be bribed can't be trusted."
Jerry Webster:Isn't it comforting to know that you can trust me?
Carol Templeton:Think he'll like it?
Millie, Carol's Secretary:Well if he doesn't, he's been taking the wrong kind of chemicals.
Jerry Webster:No, I find him very intriguing... in a man-to-man sort of way.
Jerry Webster:Your trouble is that you're still living in the shadow of your Father. You're even afraid to get rid of his old car.
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey:You don't realize how completely he dominated me ever since I was a little boy. Just once I spoke back to him. He cut a switch from a tree and gave me such a whipping, in front of this girl. It was a shattering experience.
Jerry Webster:Pete, all kids get whippings.
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey:But I was twenty five, the girl was my fiancé.
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey:[Blows Horn]
Jerry Webster:What is that?
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey:The mating call of the Moose.
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey:This call is absolutely irresistible. Your bull Moose will run for twenty miles, he will crash through any barrier to get to the source of this call.
Jerry Webster:And what happens if he gets there?
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey:I take his Picture.
Jerry Webster:Pete, he's not running twenty miles to get photographed. Now I suggest you stop blowing that horn.
Alice:[of sex]It's like olives, dear. It's something you aquire a taste for.
Carol Templeton:You listen to me, no alcoholic beverage, no drug known to science, no torture yet devised could induce me to stay married to *you*!
Jerry Webster:[Carol screams]Now stop that! You're my wife!
Alice:Some girls just aren't ready for marriage.