• 电影名称 Hoodwinked!

  • ——Red Riding Hood, The Woodsman, Granny, The Wolf. Not Your Typical Crime. Not Your Usual Suspects.
  • 中文名称 小红帽
  •  类型  动画 / 喜剧 / 家庭
  •  国家  美国
  •  语言  英语
  •  时长  1 hr 20 min (80 min)
  • 上映时间 13 January 2006 (USA)


The Wolf:[receiving a lit stick of dynamite]What kind of candles are those?

Twitchy:[pointing at writing on dynamite]Dee-na-mee-tay. Must be Italian.

Red:What big ears you have.

The Wolf:All the better to hear your many criticisms!

Tommy:I know about houses. l built mine out of straw. I'm not an idiot.

Nicky Flippers:What do you do for a living, Mr. Wolf?

The Wolf:I'm a shepherd.

[Commenting on Boingo's musical number]

The Wolf:The song was catchy, but the choreography was terrible.

Caterpillar 1:[the Wolf is using his radar to listen in on Red as she rides up the tram]I don't know what to do. I mean, should I call her?

Caterpillar 2:Well she is keeping seeing other people probably. Keeping her options open, you should do the same.

Caterpillar 1:Shh. Up there.

[Camera shot changes to show that the Wolf's radar is hanging over two caterpillers conversing on a leaf]

Caterpillar 1:Do you mind?

The Wolf:[withdraws, sheepishly]Oh. Sorry.

Red Puckett:[Red encounters the Wolf, wearing a Granny mask and apron and using a falsetto voice]Who are you ?

The Wolf:I'm your grandma.

Red Puckett:Your face looks really weird, granny.

The Wolf:I've been sick, I... uh...

Red Puckett:Your mouth doesn't move when you talk.

The Wolf:Plastic surgery. Grandma's had a little work done.

Nicky Flippers:So! Mr. Wolf... May I call you Wolf?

The Wolf:You can call me Sheila. I like long walks and fresh flowers.

Chief Grizzly:Quit playing around, Wolf! You're looking at 3 to 5 in an old shoe with no windows, SO START SINGIN'!

Chief Grizzly:Pretty thin Wolf! You say the old lady was already tied up. How did that happen?

The Wolf:I don't know, maybe to make herself look innocent. I just write the news Chief, I don't make it.

Red:For a reporter, you sure have a strange way of doing your job.

The Wolf:What can I say? I was raised by wolves.

The Wolf:You're lookin' pretty tasty...

Woolworth:Why you gotta be like that?

Chief Grizzly:This looks pretty open and shut. Little miss rosy-capes making covert deliveries to the goodie-tycoon. Wolfie tries to eat 'em both, then crazy flannel-pants with the axe here busts in, swinging vigilante-style. Take 'em downtown boys!

Det. Bill Stork:Ah, it's the woods chief, we don't have a downtown.

Chief Grizzly:You know what I mean! Just book'em!

Nicky Flippers:[preparing to question Red, whose hands are still in cuffs]What's with the handcuffs on a little girl? Her wrists can slip right out. How about a cage?

Det. Bill Stork:[on radio, eager]Bring in the cage!

Nicky Flippers:I was being sarcastic.

Det. Bill Stork:[resigned, into radio]Sarcasm. Strike the cage...

Red:[about the medallion she found in Granny's drawer]Huh? What's this?

Granny:Oh, it says "World's Greatest Grandma".

Red:Grandma, I can read. It says "Battle of the Iron Cage Gladiators".

Nicky Flippers:It would seem that all of you came together tonight by mistake.

[walks past dog typing notes]

Nicky Flippers:Maybe you naughty neighbors butted heads so we could get to the real truth.

The Wolf:The Goody Bandit

Nicky Flippers:That's right. The Bandit's still at large. There's been a lot of finger pointing tonight, but now all fingers point to the Bandit.

The Woodsman:Not my finger!

[quickly puts index finger in mouth and starts sucking it]

Nicky Flippers:Oh no, you were just out damaging forest property, cutting down the redwoods we all call home.

[the Woodsman starts spluttering]

Nicky Flippers:Big guy like you, you could probably take whatever you want from little goody-loving creatures, couldn't you?

The Woodsman:But someone robbed me! Have we lost track of that?

Nicky Flippers:Thats right, someone did. Maybe a snack food competitor. Right Granny?

Granny:Now hold on a pea-picking minute! I may lead a double life full of secrets and deception, but that's no reason to be suspicious.

The Woodsman:Huh?

Nicky Flippers:A woman like you could have a lot to gain stealing all those recipes.

Chief Grizzly:And that's how she makes her goodies so good! Eh?

Nicky Flippers:Or she could just be another victim... of a hungry Wolf

The Wolf:Ah, the wolf did it. Talk about profiling.

Nicky Flippers:Why should we trust someone who wears disguises for a living?

Chief Grizzly:Maybe he's not a wolf at all!

The Wolf:You got me. I'm a poodle. I just haven't been to the barbershop in a long time.

Chief Grizzly:Is this all just a big joke to you?

The Wolf:I just followed the girl here.

Granny:You leave my granddaughter alone!

Nicky Flippers:Yes, now we get to Little Red, the girl with the basket on the run.

[camera points to empty chair]

Nicky Flippers:Where is she anyway?

[the Wolf has observed Red's bike being carried across the river by hummingbirds]

The Wolf:Whoa! Creepy!

[retreats behind the bushes]

The Wolf:[voiceover]I was starting to have my suspicions.

[the Wolf takes out his note recorder]

The Wolf:Question: who does she move the goodies for? Where do they come from? Where are they going? And why the hood?

[Twitchy falls from the sky and lands on a tree stump next to the Wolf, who jumps]

The Wolf:Ah! Twitchy, you scared me!

Twitchy:[speaking very quickly]Hey boss, I called the taped-I beeped you on your beeper. Did you get my beep?

The Wolf:Twitchy, you gotta calm down.

Twitchy:[continues speaking quickly]I got up early and I got the gear - I was watching the girl like you told me to, the girl in the red hood.

The Wolf:Yeah, the girl in the red hood. Did you see where she went?

Twitchy:[pantomiming]She went past the porcupines and the red bird's tree and the guy with the long beard and now she's up the creek and she sings everywhere she goes, he's like lalalalalalalalalala...

The Wolf:Yeah, yeah, I'm way ahead of you. We gotta find out who she's working for. You got the camera?

Twitchy:Got the 220x and a photograb with autofocus. Ooo, look at that - come with a 500 millimeter lens. You want the color or black and white?

The Wolf:Doesn't matter.

Twitchy:I brought a flash!

[takes a picture]

The Wolf:Ugh, will you put that away! It's covert. No flash!

Twitchy:[takes the flash off]Undercover, got it! Mmm-hm. Nobody sees, nobody knows! Click-click, heh heh!


The Wolf:[stares at Twitchy]You ever thought about decaffeinated coffee?

Twitchy:Oh, I don't drink coffee!

[the Wolf looks away, unconvinced]

Granny:[after hearing the Bandit's plan to destroy the forest]Sweet tea and cookies, we've got to do something!

The Wolf:I know. The song was catchty, but choreography was terrible.

The Wolf:You know, I'm front page material now. I'm about to crack a story about the 3 pigs running a home improvement scam. Houses falling left and right

Twitchy:I've got the wide angle lens for those piggies. You gotta go wide!

Woolworth:Little Red? Processing... yes, I know her. Good kid. Not like that Bo Peep. Girl put up an invisible fence, tasted metal fillings for a week.

Nicky Flippers:Well! Someone hibernated on the wrong side of the cave.

[Flippers has shown up uninvited]

Chief Grizzly:Nicky Flippers? What are you doing here? This is *my* case!

Nicky Flippers:Well, someone hibernated on the wrong side of the cave. I saw the lights, thought the circus was in town.

[eyes the four detainees]

Nicky Flippers:Now of course, I see I was right.

Chief Grizzly:Well you're too late, Nicky, I've got this case wrapped up nice and tight.

Nicky Flippers:Is that right?

Chief Grizzly:Yeah.

Red Puckett:They've got this all wrong, Mr. Flippers.

[Flippers turns to Red]

Nicky Flippers:Oh, I don't know. You look pretty dangerous to me. What's your name?

Red Puckett:Red.

Nicky Flippers:And why do they call you that?

Red Puckett:Why do they call you "Flippers"?

Nicky Flippers:[Cuts to Flippers on the dance floor at a disco club in a flashy white suit. As the crowd chants "Go Flippers!" in the background, he does a backflip and lands in a splitz]Uh, no reason.

Red Puckett:They call me "Red" because of this red hood I wear.

Nicky Flippers:What about when you're not wearing it?


Red Puckett:I usually wear it.

Granny:It's true, I'm not like other grannies. I never did like the quilting bees and the bingo parlors. I'd rather live life to the EXTREME!

[after having his first taste of coffee and the caffeine obviously getting to him]

Twitchy:Caffeine! Yeah baby!

The Wolf:I can't believe I'm saying this but... drink up.

[gives Twitchy the coffee]

The Wolf:We may want to stand back.

Twitchy:[Sips coffee and his eyes buldge and he starts shaking]Yee-hoo-hoo-hoo! Wahooo! Caffeine! Yeah baby! Whoa!

The Wolf:Go get 'em boy.

[Twitchy takes off and bounces all over the place]

The Wolf:What... have I done?

Granny:Now the rest's up to us.

The Woodsman:Can I have coffee?

Chief Grizzly:Am I gonna get to put the cuffs on someone or WHAT?

Nicky Flippers:Ah, remember Ted, pieces of the puzzle make funny shapes, but they still fit together in the end.

Chief Grizzly:Boy, you're just full o' those, aren'tcha?

The Woodsman:I had always heard about call backs. But, I had never gotten one!

The Wolf:As God is my witness, you will learn to speak.

The Wolf:I'm allergic to yodeling.

Boingo:You've been Hoodwinked, baby!

The Wolf:[pretending to be a building inspector]Let me level with you, you're an evil genius, right?

Boingo:Well, I don't know if I'd say "genius," you know. I was asked to join Mensa.

The Wolf:Well, you got yourself an evil lair in a mountain cave. That's standard, but see, most masters of evil that we deal with are up to evil genius code. Are you familiar with the code?

Boingo:You know, I'm more of a do-it-yourself kind of guy. Yeah.

The Wolf:I understand. Are you thinking about puttin' in a laser?

Boingo:I don't know. I don't... Do you think I should?

The Wolf:Well, it's standard equipment for a cave lair. I'm not saying you're going to zap someone with it today, but you gotta think about the future. Those things have gotta be calibrated.

Boingo:I smell hairspray

[looks up and sees Granny]

Chief Grizzly:Shouldn't you be in school?

Red:Shouldn't I have a lawyer?

[discovering the Wolf is pretending to be Granny]

Red:You again! What do I have to do, get a restraining order?

The Wolf:That was quite a bit of fallin' you did just now.

Boingo:Oh, you'd best be fearing the ear baby!

[Red has just explained how she escaped the Wolf]

Chief Grizzly:Yep, that settles it. We've got our bandit.

Nicky Flippers:Ah, could be. I'd like to count my chickens after they hatch.


Red Puckett:You've gotta admit, a wolf stopping kids in the middle of the forest? That's pretty creepy!

Nicky Flippers:Yes, right. But we don't arrest people for being creepy.

Tommy:[on radio]Yeah Bruce, you know that guy we got in the tank?

Bruce:Uh... the creepy one?

Tommy:Yeah, better let him go.

Nicky Flippers:[to Red]So you went on to Granny's?

Red Puckett:I found an old trail up the north side of the mountain.

Nicky Flippers:[to The Woodsman]I think it's safe to say that our thespian friend here knows the least about anything of anyone in this room.

Boingo:Dolph, tie up the brat; Liesel, hold the book; Vincent, get the truck; and Keith... darn it change your name, please. That's not scary and I'm embarrassed to say it. Boris, try that. Keith, ya know, OOOO Watch out for Keith!

Chief Grizzly:[referring about the Woodsman]This guy's a loon.

Det. Bill Stork:Watch it, chief. My mama's half-loon.

P-Biggie:Yo, Triple-G! What's up, baby?

2-Tone:Granny! What's happening?

Granny:What up, my homies?

[Red crests a hill and finds herself at the edge of a meadow, and starts to hear music]

Red Puckett:Hello?

[sees that the music is coming from Japeth, singing on the porch of his shack; Red approaches him]

Red Puckett:Hello.

[Japeth continues yodeling and strumming on his banjo]

Red Puckett:I'm looking for Granny Puckett's house?

Japeth the Goat:[singing]Graaaaaaaanneeee Puckeeeet...

Red Puckett:Could you stop singing for one moment?

Japeth the Goat:[singing]No I can't, wish I could, but a mountain witch done put a spell on me, 37 years agoooooooo, and now I gotta sing every thing I saaaaaaaaayyyyyy...

Red Puckett:Everything?

Japeth the Goat:[speaking]That's right.

Red Puckett:You just talked! Just now!

Japeth the Goat:Oh, did I?


Japeth the Goat:Did I? Dididididodadidididoooo...

[Red turns and gives us a pissed off look]

Raccoon Jerry:What did you say your name was?

The Wolf:Shaw. Rick Shaw. Came in from Japan.

Chief Grizzly:[listening to Twitchy talk really fast]It's like he's speaking *words* of some kind.

Twitchy:[catching up, out of breath after chasing Red]So when do we eat?

The Wolf:Sure, you hungry for failure? Maybe a side of unemployment? 'Cause that's what's for lunch.

Twitchy:What do we do?

The Wolf:We go right to the source. We've gotta get to Granny's before the kid does.

[Boingo appears]

Boingo:Is it a surprise?

The Wolf:Surprise for who?

Boingo:You're going over to Granny's house to surprise Red. I mean, is it her birthday, or some kind of shim dig, 'cause I'm great at parties! Watch me pull myself out of a hat!

[scratches his right ear against his head with a very forced grimace]

The Wolf:Yeah, big surprise party. You know how to get there?

Boingo:Oh, yeah. Yeah. In fact, I know a shortcut.

The Wolf:[to Twitchy, incredulous]You hear that? He knows a shortcut.

Boingo:Over the woods and through the river... No, you don't wanna go through the river. You'll get all wet.

The Wolf:You see, Twitchy? You get lemons, you make lemonade.

[Cuts to the Wolf and Twitchy walking in ankle-deep water through a pitch-black tunnel; Twitchy turns on his camera light]

The Wolf:And then that lemonade goes bitter, and ferments, and turns to pig-swill. Never trust a bunny with directions, Twitchy.

Twitchy:Sure thing, boss! Never trust a bunny!

The Wolf:Well the bright side is at least I finally dried off.

[immediately falls into a small hole, soaking his hoodie and bringing the water up to his waist]

The Wolf:Why couldn't I write movie reviews? We are in a pickle, and I blame myself. That bunny was worthless, not to mention he wrote the directions on an Easter Egg...

[holds up a brightly colored Easter egg with illegible text scribbled on the side]

The Wolf:... which is very hard to read.

Twitchy:Oh, we're gonnadie here!

The Wolf:Come on, that's what they said at the Alamo!

Det. Bill Stork:What is it boy? Truck! Trouble at the mill! Is the barn on fire? The barn's on fire! The well! Timmy's stuck in the well!

[During her bike ride, Red stops for a family of bakers who are crossing the road, leaving behind their snack shack after being struck by the Bandit]

Red Puckett:[voiceover]With the Goodie Bandit on the loose, recipes were becoming an endangered species. I decided to call Granny. If anyone knew what to do, she would.

[Cuts to Granny knitting and talking on the phone]

Granny Puckett:I don't know what to do. I'm just a tired old lady.

[Her image is shrunk to a circle wipe, revealing Red using a payphone]

Red Puckett:Your recipes are the most famous in the whole forest, Granny! What if they get swiped? It could wipe you out! Maybe I should bring you the recipe book, just for safekeeping.

Granny Puckett:A trip up the mountain is too dangerous for a little girl.

Red Puckett:I'm not so little anymore!

Granny Puckett:Please, dear, you just keep the recipes there and everything will be fine.

Red Puckett:But...

Granny Puckett:I have to go now. My program's on. Kisses.

[Blows air kisses and hangs up the phone]

[Grizzly has learned that the Wolf was trying to eat Red]

Chief Grizzly:All right, get a muzzle on that guy.

The Wolf:Hey, I can explain everything.

Chief Grizzly:Well you can explain it to the judge.

[turns to Red]

Chief Grizzly:Shouldn't you be at school?

Red Puckett:Shouldn't *I* have a lawyer?

The Woodsman:What the Schnitzel?

Granny:[Granny has just revealed that she is an extreme sports athlete]Honey, don't look at your granny like that.

Red Puckett:I'm sorry, I thought you were Triple G! Or are you the Bandit?


Det. Bill Stork:Awkward!

[awkwardly side slips his way out of the room]

Granny:You're being ridiculous, Red.

Red Puckett:*I'm* being ridiculous? You're off living... La Vida Loca, risking your life for some dumb thrills! And I'm supposed to stay home and be your happy little delivery girl?

Tommy:I, have a...

Nicky Flippers:Coffee break, anyone?

Chief Grizzly:Uh, yeah.

Det. Bill Stork:Whose got my keys?

Raccoon Jerry:You think Granny would mind if I went through her garbage?

Chief Grizzly:Excuse us.

[Everyone except Red and Granny files out of the room]

Granny:I thought you were happy.

Red Puckett:Open your eyes. I've never even been outside of the forest. Don't you think I'd want more than that?

Granny:Of course you do. You're a Puckett.

Red Puckett:[sighs]I don't know what that means anymore.

[last lines]

Red:Mr. Flippers!

Nicky Flippers:I see you all got my message. Glad you could make it.

Granny:What's going on?

Nicky Flippers:Well, I was wondering if you'd like to come and work for me? I could use some fresh talent like you.

The Wolf:What kind of work are we talking about?

Nicky Flippers:You'd be under cover, on impossible missions, to far away places. There's a lot of stories out there that need a happy ending. I'm part of a secret organization that makes sure that happens.

Red:"Happily Ever After Agency"?

Nicky Flippers:The woods don't go 'round by themselves.

Twitchy:[talking very fast]Yeah! Alright! Okay we fight the bad guys, we ride the ski boats, climb the walls, and swing the windows secret agent style. Right! Yeah!

Nicky Flippers:So what do you think?

Granny:Bring it honey!

Red:I always did like happy endings.

Boingo:[to tied and gagged Red]Hey, you're a delivery girl, right? Then could you do me a favor? Could you take this down the mountain? 'Cause it absolutely, positively has to be there TONIGHT!

The Woodsman:[disguised as Dolph]Uh, Mister Rabbit...

Boingo:Dolph! Where have you been? You nimwitted Eurotrash with the... what is that, a ski mask?

The Woodsman:Uh, I, um, yah...

Boingo:I like that! See, that's scary. Yeah that's good...

The Woodsman:Um, b-boss...

Boingo:WHAT? Say it! Spit it out! What's goin' on?

The Woodsman:Um... boss, uh,


The Woodsman:Paul's bunion cream/has the soothing formula...

The Wolf:[interrupts, also in disguise]Hi there! What he means to say is that I'm the building inspector.

The Woodsman:Yah, yes!

The Wolf:I just need to tap the pipes; see if your wiring's up to par.

Boingo:Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold it, you're not... no, you can't touch anything in here.

The Wolf:[pauses]Let's walk.

Nicky Flippers:I wanna know more about this fellow with the axe. How does he fit into all this?

Det. Bill Stork:Maybe you should AXE him yourself! Ha ha ha ha haaa ha haaa! You-haha-see haa ha haaa! Axe-haaa ha ha! He he hee...

Chief Grizzly:[Stares blankly at Bill]

Det. Bill Stork:[glumly]I'll bring him in.

Twitchy:[to The Wolf]I called you on my beeper. Did you get my beep?

Twitchy:Say parcheesi!

Twitchy:[Wolf gives Twitchy a cup of coffee]Caffeine! Yeah baby!

[bounces everywhere]

The Wolf:I knew it! Never trust a bunny!

Twitchy:Never trust a bunny!

Twitchy:[being slowed down on a tape machine so Nicky Flippers can understand him]The criminal you are looking for cannot be found at the bottom of the mountain; he resides at the top in a cave fortress where my companions are trying to detain him.

Red:You're crazy!

Boingo:Maybe so, but I'm top of the woods now baby!

Twitchy:Eezie-Peezie boss, eh, leave it to me!

Nicky Flippers:[talking to Granny]What are you hiding, old girl?

Boingo:Oh you best be fearing the ear, baby!

Granny:Ooh, almost forgot. I made you kids some snicker-doodles.

[Everyone starts talking at once]


P-Biggie:Tight! Oh yeah, snicker-doodles, snicker-doodles! Give it up, give it up!

2-Tone:Gimme one of those!

Zorra:Yeah, snicker-doodles. Those are my favorite.


[Everyone looks at 2-Tone blankly]

Nicky Flippers:[Twitchy runs across the road, causing Chief Grizzly to swerve before straightening up the car again]Who taught you how to drive?

Chief Grizzly:Almost hit a squirrel

Chief Grizzly:[to the Wolf, after he tells his side]You got a way to back this up?

Twitchy:[appears]I got these pictures developed, Mr. Flippers!

Nicky Flippers:That so? Let's have a look...

[examines photos]

Nicky Flippers:Hmmm... these are good... Ha...

[shows picture of Wolf mounted in fish costume]

Nicky Flippers:Here's a nice one of you, Wolf.

The Wolf:Grrph...

Twitchy:I wanna do an expose' sometime; a gallery show. And maybe a coffee table book, 'course, I don't drink coffee. Maybe a china tea/latte book.

Nicky Flippers:Photos don't lie, Chief.

The Wolf:Good work, Twitchy.

Chief Grizzly:Grrph!

The Woodsman:[trying out for a commercial]Arrrgh! Paul's Bunion Cream has the soothing formula...

Jimmy Lizard:[interrupts]Whoa, whoa, whoa, no! Hold it, hold it!

[music stops]

Jimmy Lizard:Ho, ho, stop... Look, "Argh"?

The Woodsman:Uh-huh...

Jimmy Lizard:What... what are ya, some kinda German pirate or somethin'?

The Woodsman:I just got the script, like, five minutes ago... I'm trying...

Jimmy Lizard:Okay, sure, sure, um... you're not gettin' it...

Japeth the Goat:[In cart, after 'be prepared' song. Notes Avalanche]An Avalance is coming, and I am not prepared. In fact, if I have to say it, I must say that I'm scared. If I were talking, you'd hear just how I screamed. But, since I'm only singing, I'll yodel 'till we're creamed!

[first lines]

Nicky Flippers:[narrating]Red Riding Hood, you probably know the story.

[girl screaming]

Nicky Flippers:But there's more to every tale than meets the eye. It's just like they always say, you can't judge a book by its cover. If you want to know the truth, you've gotta flip through the pages.

The Wolf:[Boingo is giving the Wolf directions to a shortcut]You see, Twitchy, when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade.

[Cuts to the Wolf and Twitchy walking through a dark cave]

The Wolf:And then that lemonade turns bitter, ferments and turns to pigswill.

Granny:Time to shred some powder!

Nicky Flippers:And bring in a police sketch artist. No, make it a cartoonist.

[to the bound and gagged Red]

Boingo:I'm sorry, what... I can't quite... with the... you got something right there across your mouth!

[Red is in a treehouse, reading a magazine; a woodpecker flies up]

Woodpecker:Watcha readin', Red?

[sees the magazine's cover]

Woodpecker:"Far Away Places"? Are you going somewhere far away?

Red Puckett:No. The world is too dangerous for me!

[throws the magazine over the side. It falls, and lands on the windshield of a passing sports car]

Passing motorist:Ahh! Can't see! Danger! Turn into the skid!

[Swerves violently all over the road; the scene cuts back to Red as the sounds of screeching tires are heard, followed by a loud crash that shakes a tree in the distance]

Passing motorist:I'm okay! I'll walk it off!

Woodpecker:You can't go away. Who's gonna ride the goody bike?

Red Puckett:If I had wings like you, I'd fly all the way past that mountain, and the next one and the next one, but I can't. I am just a kid.

Woodpecker:I'm just a woodpecker.

[a window is shattered and Red flinches]

[Red uses the phone in Japeth's shack]

Red Puckett:Granny?

Granny:Huh, who's that?

Red Puckett:It's Red. I'm on my way over to see...

Granny:Oh, my dear, I-I'm not prepared. I've got to... put down fresh doilies! Ugh!

[slips on something]

Red Puckett:Granny! Granny! What's wrong?

Granny:Gotta go, munchkin. Bonsai!

[the call is disconnected]

Red Puckett:Oh, no!

[hangs up the phone and turns around to Japeth]

Red Puckett:Mr. Goat, my Granny's in trouble! I've got to find a way around the mountain, fast!

Japeth the Goat:[singing]Well you came to the right goat!

[pops out his rocking horns]

Red Puckett:Oh, good. More singing.

[Japeth begins singing "Be Prepared"]

[the Wolf is impersonating Granny with a plastic mask and apron]

The Wolf:You got the loot?

Red Puckett:Whoa, what big *hands* you have.

The Wolf:Oh! All the better to scratch my back with.

Red Puckett:And what big *ears* you have...

The Wolf:[increasing in irritation]All the better to hear your... many criticisms. Old people just have big ears, dear.

Red Puckett:And Granny... what big *eyes* you have!

The Wolf:[exploding]Are we just gonna sit around here and talk about how big I'm getting?

[leans in]

The Wolf:You came here for a reason, didn't you? So tell old Granny what you've got in the basket.

Red Puckett:Ugh! Granny! What bad breath you have!

[the Wolf takes off the mask; Red screams and backs away]

Red Puckett:You again! What do I have to do, get a restraining order?

The Wolf:Settle down, little girl.

Red Puckett:Hi-yah!

[Gets into kung-fu stance]

The Wolf:Save it, Red fu. You've been dodging me all day, you might as well just give up.

[Grabs a fireplace poker and corners her]

Red Puckett:Ha! You crazy Wolf! What have you done with Granny?

The Wolf:I'm taking Granny down and you're next.

[Granny bursts out of the closet, bound and gagged]

Red Puckett:Granny!

[Kirk bursts through the window, holding a pickaxe]

[Dolph and Boingo get off the tram at the top terminal]

Dolph:I don't like it. The cops are all over the place.

Boingo:Forget about the cops! We've got everything we need right here!

Dolph:What about the old lady? She's alive. She'll be back.

Boingo:You just don't get it, do you, Dolph? I'm done! I'm done dancing for the man - The Muffin Man! And Granny! They can both take a hike! I'm never gonna answer to anyone ever again!

[Boingo bursts out wailing, then cackles, then cries, all in a matter of seconds, then immediately sobers up]

Boingo:Oh! I just love my job!

[He and Dolph start walking down the loading ramp]

Boingo:You see how it works, Dolph? You prioritize, you set your goals, you write a mission statement. You ask yourself, "Where do I see me in five years?"

Red Puckett:How about behind bars?

[Boingo turns around and sees Red standing at the bottom of the ramp, glaring at him]

Boingo:[surprised]Red! Oh! Hey, Red! What are you- you've spoiled the surprise!

Red Puckett:You're the bandit!



[while Red is riding her bike, Boingo spots her]

Boingo:Hey, Red!

[hops into her bike basket as she passes]

Boingo:Ohh, nice outfit! Always red with you. You must be in autumn.

Red Puckett:Hey, Boingo. Aren't you helping the Muffin Man today?

Boingo:[glum]Na, he closed up shop. Someone stole all his recipes last night, and now I'm out of a job.

Red Puckett:Oh, geez, Boingo, I'm really sorry. Are you still working the cable car?

Boingo:Yeah, yeah I am but it's not as fun as making goodies all day.

Red Puckett:Would a carrot crumpet make you feel better?

[hands him one]

Boingo:[brightening]Oh boy! Oh boy! Thanks, Red, I can always count on you to deliver, you little rascal... devil!

Red Puckett:Yeah, well, the woods don't go 'round by themselves.


Trouble In The Hood
A Granny Who Kicks Fanny
Armed And Dangerously Dumb
Red Riding Hood, The Woodsman, Granny, The Wolf. Not Your Typical Crime. Not Your Usual Suspects.
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