Shapiro:Have you ever heard of Bayou Beavers?
Misty:Are you sure the number is 911?
Jenna:What else would it be, dumbass?
Misty:Well how should I know if it's the cell, maybe you have to type in a different area code.
Shawn:But you only shot him once, right? Maybe you gotta shoot him more times. Like four- or six- maybe you gotta shoot him six times?
Jenna:By the way? Your "woo" is so not in the moment.
Misty:Yeah? Well, your nipples are dumb.
Jenna:Seriously Doug, I can't work with that. I'm a professional actress. I went to NYU.
Jenna:What's so funny?
Misty:Like anybody's ever even heard of that.
Jenna:New York University?
Misty:Never heard of it.
[after Jenna and Misty's make-out session in front of the guys]
Jenna:Eww! Brush your teeth much?
Misty:Lick me, bitch.
Jenna:No thanks. I like my tongue without the syphilis.
Misty:You're syhpilis, Ms. Big Words!
Jenna:...Okay, that didn't even make sense.
Jenna:But we can't just leave him out here!
Marybeth:Then why don't you just run off and go find him.
Jenna:...That was mean.
Ben:You gotta be fucking kidding me.
Ben:Come on, this is gonna be fun.
Marcus:About as fun as crabs.
Ben:You would know.
Marcus:Screw that waitress from Fezzywigs, man.
Marcus:I didn't know she had bugs in her bush!
Ben:She was scratching herself all night! What do you mean you didn't know? You can't hook up with itchy chicks, Marcus. Everyone knows that.
Marcus:She said it was a reaction to her fabric softener. I saw it, I asked.
Marcus:Look at you Mister Bigshot. Everyone knows that. When's the last time you got laid?
Ben:...I have sex all the time...
Ben:We want to do a haunted swap tour.
Rev. Zombie:I don't do night tours anymore, I'm not allowed to. Insurance got to high after what happened.
Marcus:Too bad. Let's go.
Ben:Wait, wait, what happened?
Rev. Zombie:Oh, you *dont* want to know.
Ben:[eagerly]I so want to know.
Rev. Zombie:I had a tour group, out in the swamp, last Halloween. It was the mist of night, and there was this kid, who looked kind of like you, he was spooked by something in the marsh. He saw two eyes staring at him from the woods, it chilled him to his very marrow. He wanted to get off the boat in a hurry, and he had his foot dangling over the edge. He...
Ben:He fell in?
Marcus:A gator got him?
Rev. Zombie:He slipped, hit his head, on the roof... and sued me for negligence! That cock sucker!
Shawn:The tour is leaving right now, it's forty bones each.
Marcus:Can you spot me?
Ben:What, you don't have any cash?
Marcus:No, I'm just not paying for this bullshit.
Ben:This place is disgusting! Our hotel room smells like sweaty balls! Everyone is just drunk and looking for a fight- and you! You threw up six times yesterday, how do you even do that?
Shawn:[on a tour bus, over the PA system]Okay folks, I am your tour guide Shawn. Just sit back and get ready to enjoy some...
Marcus:[interrupting him]Ah, buddy, you don't need that thing. This is, like, the size of a Mini Cooper.
Shawn:[grumbles to himself in Chinese]
Shawn:Don't mind him, that's just Jack Cracker.
Shawn:Yeah, yeah, just one of the local alligator hunters. He just sits there, yells things, drinks his own piss. He's... ah, you know, cracked.
Shawn:Now here on the Mississippi bayou, hundreds of fishermen and old pirates have lost their lives... and if we're lucky, we might just see their souls floatin' over the waters where they up and died.
Jenna:[sarcastically, to Misty]What a genius! You do know the vibrator goes in your cooch and not your ear, right?
Jenna:I was moving to Hollywood next month to be famous, now I'm going to die out here with all of you assholes!
Misty:Shut up you redneck twat!
Marcus:Are you afraid I'm going to kick your ass again you little bitch?
Marcus:You look like you been molested by wolves!
Shapiro:They probably got stuck just like we did and had to walk the whole way home. Right now they're probably sitting in a Denny's or something.
Marcus:Moons Over My Hammy, yo.
Ben:This place is disgusting. Our hotel room smells like sweaty balls. Everyone's just drunk and looking for a fight- you! You threw up six times yesterday, how do you even do that? I should have stayed at home.
Buddy #1:What, so you could sit in your room and cry about Heather?
Sampson:Goddamn queer's gotta squat to take a leak.
Marcus:[about Marybeth]Someone wanna explain why Janey's got a gun?
Shawn:[to Marybeth]Yeah, why do you have a gun?
Marybeth:Why should I tell you, you little con artist?
Jenna:[crying]I didn't really go to NYU. It was my first choice, but I didn't get in. So I went to Hofstra.
Jenna:I can't believe I am out here in a swamp. I bet Julia Roberts didn't have to go through this before she got Mystic Pizza.
Ainsley:[Sampson keeps telling him to shut up]No matter what I say, it's always 'Shut up, Ainsley!' or 'You're a queer, Ainsley!' or 'Why can't you be more like you're sister, Ainsley!'
Sampson:I said shut up, you little queer!
Shawn:[Telling a story about Victor Crowley at the fake house]Victor Crowley, hatchet face! There was a time where his father went nuts and whacked him in the face with a hatchet one night. It had something to do with him being all ugly or...
[looks at card]
Shawn:something... anyways, he died. They say if you get close to the house, you can still hear Victor Crowley crying for his dad at night...
[lowering his voice]
Shawn:Did you hear that?
[Gulps and lowers his voice again]
Marybeth:That's not the story!
Shawn:Well, it is. Just go with it.
Marybeth:That's not even the house.
Shawn:Christ's sake! Will you let me do my job?
[shouts in Chinese; stops, seeing he just went out of character and goes back to Southern voice stuttering]
Shawn:How you like fishing?
Ben:Marybeth? That's a great name, because it's, it's actually two names. Most people just have one and that's kinda boring. Like Ben. But Marybeth, that's Mary *and* it's Beth. That's a nice coat.
Marcus:[looks at him puzzled]
Ben:So do you have any pets?
Marcus:[smacks him on the back of the head]
Ben:[to Marybeth]Are you enjoying Mardi Gras?
Jenna:What are you doing?
Misty:[on cell phone]I'm calling the police - they'll send the Cops.
Jenna:They're the same thing!
Misty:Uh-uh! The Cops rescue you, like on that TV show.
Misty:[unfamiliar with New Orleans, dialing cell phone]Are you sure the number is 9-1-1? If it's the South, maybe you have to type in a different area code.
Misty:[on finding out that the so-called producer, who was making her pose topless, was really a phony]Slimeball! I can't believe I've fallen for their phony stories 3 times now.
Shawn:[driving the tour bus]If you look to your right, you'll see the famous cemetery.
Misty:[looking out left window]I don't see anything.
Shapiro:Have you ever heard of Bayou Beavers?
Shannon Permatteo:[disgusted]Certainly not!
Jim Permatteo:[realizing his wife is sitting right next to him]I mean, no.
Marcus:[making fun of the lines Ben was using on the woman sitting next to him]"That's a nice coat." You got some great lines.
Ben:[trying to make a rebuttal]What about some of your lines? That's about as classic as... That's about as classic as... I got nothing.
Shawn:[Marcus and Shawn are propping up the injured Mr. Permatteo on both sides]I just wanna know why the crackers are back there with the honeys, while the brothers gotta carry the injured dude.
Marcus:I just want to get to a road - then I'm gonna whup your ass.
Misty:[when they find 2 sets of I.D.s in Shapiro's wallet]So he wasn't a real producer?
Ben:I'd say no.
Misty:[finally realizing she's been had]So he just *pretended* to be a producer, to get us to flash our tits for him?
Jenna:[sarcastically]What a genius! You *do* know the vibrator goes in your *cooch* and not your ear, right?
Misty:Hey, why don't you suck your dad off again, bitch?
Jenna:[sarcastically]I will, right after you're done.
Misty:[on hearing the legend of Victor Crowley from a local]Do you believe that story she told us?
Shapiro:Absolutely not. The people around here sleep exclusively with their own family.
Shapiro:Tell me this is part of the tour.
Shawn:Oh, yeah - I sink the boat every night. It's hillarious.
Ben:Can you see anything from up there?
Marcus:I can see there ain't no dead elephant man gonna kill me!