Irma Peterson:[to Al]Oh, well, you know Jane. She wants to marry a man with money, but I don't think money's important. Look, I have you, and you have me, and we both have nothing.
Al:Your time will come, son. Have to hold you back a little. Don't want to push you too much. Save you for a rainy day.
Seymour:Rainy day? I got some news for you, Al. I get hungry in clear weather!
Professor Kropotkin:My little pigeon!
Seymour:Who's a pigeon?
Professor Kropotkin:It's only me, Professor Kropotkin.
Jane Stacy:Well, hello, Professor.
Irma Peterson:Hi, Professor.
Professor Kropotkin:Oh, Jane and Irma, my two little proud beauties! One with her head in the air and the other with air in her head.
Irma Peterson:How often does a girl meet a millionaire with money?
Al:Now, there's the mirror. Take a look at yourself. Now, if you notice, you have deep expression in your eyes and a very sensitive chin - all the qualities of a legitimate actor - maybe even a great lover.
Seymour:Yeah, but isn't my voice too high?
Al:Not necessarily. You can make love to tall girls.
Jane Stacy:Anything can happen when you live with my friend Irma!
Seymour:The least you could do is show me some sympathy, Steve. When you was sick, I was very considerate. Remember when the doctor gave you only 30 days to live?
Seymour:Didn't I go out and get you a calender?
Jane Stacy:[Hearing the telephone ringing after finding her ruined clothes]I'll answer it, Mrs. O'Reilly. My feet are wet and I want to be sure I'll be electrocuted.
Irma Peterson:[On phone]Oh Jane, darling. I called you because I wanted to tell you to be sure not to take a shower.
Jane Stacy:And why shouldn't I take a shower and be clean like all other normal people?
Irma Peterson:Well, you see, I painted the clothes closet, and I hung all the clothes in the shower.
Jane Stacy:Irma, when you come home tonight would you bring a piece of good, strong rope with you? Because there's something else I want to hang in the shower with the clothes.
Irma Peterson:Really, Jane? What?
Jane Stacy:You. Irma Peterson, how could you be so stupid?
Mr. Clyde:Oh, I should have fired you months ago. But I can't! It would take me years to find out where you keep things!
Irma Peterson:Oh, Al I always knew you'd succeed. I just can't wait to hear all the wonderful things people say about you after you're dead.
Al:Okay, Chicken. Get on the phone.
Irma Peterson:But I don't know what to say.
Al:Just say you're calling for Miss Jane Stacy. She's been delayed, she's only half-dressed, and it would take a load off her mind if you would pick her up at her house instead of at the bar. Got it?
Irma Peterson:Got it, word-for-word.
Al:[covering the receiver]Just to play it safe, let me have it back.
Irma Peterson:Uh... "She would like you to pick her up here because she's half-dressed, half-loaded, and would make a very easy pick-up."
Al:Got anything to drink at your place?
Irma Peterson:We have milk.
Al:Milk? Chicken, this guy's a multi-millionaire. A blue blood. He's used to the best. I'll go out and get a couple bottles of beer.
Irma Peterson:Al, you're all out of breath. You shouldn't let yourself get that way because breath is good for you.
[the radio contest calls Irma's home after her friends find her suicide note]
Al:How do you like that? They're calling Chicken from the contest and she has to pick a moment like this to knock herself off. That dame never had no consideration!
Jane Stacy:[to Irma]Oh, sweetie don't cry. You can't help it. It's just that nature gave some girls talent and brains, and with you it slipped you a mickey.
Steve Laird:[reading fortune from a fortune cookie]It says, "You are placing your confidence in someone who'll enrich you." Must mean Al.
Jane Stacy:Yes, Al's a pretty good confidence man.
Seymour:And that's how Steve and I became pals. But he's too easygoing. He's not like me. Somebody does something I consider an offense, I don't take it. I fight back. I revolt.
Irma Peterson:Oh, Seymour that's a sign of character and I admire you for it. I like men who are offensive and revolting.