Eddie Cantrow:This is my dad.
Lila:Oh, hi Dad.
Doc:Nice to meet you, Lila.
Lila:How do you know my name?
Doc:Okay, cat's out of the bag. My son found your panties on the sidewalk and we've been talking about you all week. Eddie, give her back her undies.
Doc:Now listen to me and listen to me good! When your wife, on her honeymoon, asks you to cock her, you cock her good, God damn it!
Lila:Fuck me like a black guy, Eddie, come on!
Martin:I smell something weird down here. Smells like ya'll been hitting the Devil's lettuce.
Eddie Cantrow:Fuck me.
Mac:Look, you want to know the secret to a happy marriage? Do what I do. Plaster on a fake smile, plow through the next half century, sit back, relax, and wait for the sweet embrace of death!
Mac:Happy wife, happy life!
Doc:So, what's new Eddie? Anything exciting?
Eddie Cantrow:Ah, yeah, we just got those new Nike Sasquatch drivers in the store, so that's been kind of cool.
Doc:Let me rephrase the question. You been crushin' any pussy?
Martin:Miranda, we are ready to play parcheesi!
Lila:I wouldn't change a darn thing because it made me who I am today, and do you know who I am today?
Eddie Cantrow:Who are you.
Lila:I'm Mrs. Edmond Cantrow.
Lila:Edward? You didn't tell me that!
Lila:Oh Grouchy Marx, calm down.
Eddie Cantrow:Oh, excuse me.
Eddie Cantrow:Hey, are you running this whole thing?
Flamboyant Man:Oh. Sure. Walk up to the first homo you see and assume he's the wedding coordinator, right? Nice.
Eddie Cantrow:No, no. I didn't - I didn't mean that.
Flamboyant Man:Nice stereotype, buddy. Nice.
[the obviously gay wedding coordinator walks up to them]
Wedding Coordinator:[in a sing-song voice]Did I hear someone say "wedding coordinator"? That would be *moi*!
Wedding Coordinator:How can I help you?
[after a pause, the flamboyant man simply walks away]
10 Year Old Girl:Are you like a widow or something?
Eddie Cantrow:Yeah, I'm a widow. Yeah.
10 Year Old Girl:Sorry.
12 Year Old Twin:He's full of it. He's gay.
Eddie Cantrow:No. I'm not gay.
12 Year Old Twin:Let's play 5 in 5 then.
Eddie Cantrow:What is that?
12 Year Old Twin:It's where I ask you 5 questions in 5 seconds. If you're telling the truth, then you shouldn't have to think.
Eddie Cantrow:[shrugs]Yeah, I don't wanna play your game, sorry.
12 Year Old Twin:Quick - how'd your wife die?
12 Year Old Twin:How?
12 Year Old Twin:They get the guy?
12 Year Old Twin:What was his name?
12 Year Old Twin:Brad Pitt. Russell Crowe. Who's hotter?
Eddie Cantrow:Brad Pitt.
12 Year Old Twin, 12 Year Old Twin:[point and laugh victoriously]
Eddie Cantrow:No no, no, I thought you meant who's hotter career-wise...
Doc:Come on, kid, let's get out of here. Bitches be crazy, you know that.
Eddie Cantrow:Hey, Martin!
Eddie Cantrow:Great to see you too!
Eddie Cantrow:[to the 12 Year Old Twins]You know what? Why don't you take your little Human Genome Project and hit the road. Homophobic hobbits.
Eddie Cantrow:You're in debt? What kind of debt?
Lila:You know, the kind where you owe a lot of money to people.
Eddie Cantrow:I love sports. In fact, I even lost my virginity on a baseball diamond.
Buzz:Oh, you're too much. Really?
Eddie Cantrow:Yeah, yeah. A couple of the older kids pushed down and -
Eddie Cantrow:[everyone stops laughing]
Eddie Cantrow:It was not pretty.
Gayla:Did you file charges?
Eddie Cantrow:No, I...
Miranda:He was making a joke, Gayla.
Deborah:About anal rape...?
Eddie Cantrow:[about Lila]She doesn't have a great sense of humor.
Doc:Are you out of your mind? Funny's a male gene, you idiot. Haven't you ever noticed whenever you see a really funny girl, she's a little mannish? Think about it. Lily Tomlin, Ellen DeGeneres, Rosie O'Donnell...
Mac:Oh, I got a thing for Ellen DeGeneres though. I do, I have to admit it. I think she's great, I think she's hot. Great ass. Check it out.
Eddie Cantrow:Hey, uh, do you think you could tell me where I could find Uncle Tito?
Tito:Yes. Uh, may I ask who's inquiring?
Eddie Cantrow:Yeah, my name's Eddie Cantrow and I'm a friend of a friend of his. I'm supposed to give him something.
Tito:I'm sorry to tell you this, but he no longer works here. He's actually in jail, serving six to ten years. He was caught having cock-fights. And I'm not speaking about the kind of rooster.
Tito:Screw off! I'm joking, man! C'mon! I am Uncle Tito.
Doc:Remember, this is the Bible Belt. These people have guns.
Tito:Screw off! I'm joking, man!