Roy:Guys, do whatever you want to the kid, but that's my watch you're holding.
Fagin #1:Well, there's a load of us, and only two of you, so piss off!
Roy:Easy fellas, you lost one war this way, don't make the same mistake twice.
Roy:Look at you!
Chon Wang:Look at you!
Roy:What brings you to New York?
Chon Wang:My share of the gold.
Roy:Refresh my memory. What gold are we talking about?
Roy:So what did your dad do? Was he an imperial guard?
Chon Wang:No, much more important. He was the Keeper of the Imperial Seal.
Roy:That's what I love about China. Everybody's job description sounds so damn cool!
[after opening the puzzle box]
Roy:It's just a rock with some gibberish on it!
Chon Wang:It's Chinese!
[Lin slaps Chon Wang]
Chon Wang:I just saved you!
Chon Lin:You were late!
[why Chon should sleep with the woman for money]
Roy:Think about your sister in London.
Chon Wang:It's a puzzle box. I don't know how to open it.
Roy:What do you mean, you don't know how to open it? You just get a hammer and smash it open so you can see what it says.
Chon Wang:No. I must have patience. By the time I'm able to open it, I will be ready to read the message.
Roy:Oh, come on, Confucius, that's the corniest thing I've ever heard!
Chon Wang:Roy! The painting! It's looking at me!
Roy:Oh yeah, it looks like it's looking at me too. That's great.
[Roy sees the eyes in the painting move]
Roy:Ah! Chon! Demons!
Roy:You got any ideas?
Chon Wang:We jump.
Roy:You mean fall?
Roy:Roy O'Bannon will not go quietly. You hear that, England? Throw whatever you want at me! Your terrible weather! Your perverted killers! Your Spotted Dick!
Roy:Just go ahead and drown me! I don't care anymore!
Prostitute:[trying to woo Roy]I'll give you a discount.
Roy:That's the most romantic thing a woman has ever said to me.
Roy:[to a palace guard]The queen, look, the queen! She's mooning us!
Roy:[line in outtakes]And, Jackie? I'm not Roy O'Bannon.
Chon Wang:The English are not very friendly.
Roy:They're just sore losers.
Chon Wang:What did they lose?
Roy:A little thing called the American Revolution, Chon.
Chon Wang:Never heard of it.
Roy:I'll give you the highlights. They came over with about a million men. We had a bunch of farmers with pitchforks and beat 'em like a drum.
Roy:[as it starts raining]Oh, this country blows.
Doyle:I think you gentlemen should accompany me back to the Yard.
[Cut to Roy and Chon in a cell at Scotland Yard]
Roy:This isn't a yard! It's a JAIL!
Roy:That's a terrible name for a detective. Sherlock Holmes?
Roy:Hey, Rathbone! I was just thinking of a title for my new book. "Roy O'Bannon vs. Little Lord Sissy." Or how about "Roy O'Bannon versus the Man who would be Queen?"
Roy:I call that my kung pow chicken.
Roy:[in London]Hey, I'm walking here! You're driving on the wrong side of the road! Bunch of amateurs, these people don't get it!
Chon Wang:Who loves you, baby?
Roy:I'm gettin' ready to launch a little thing called operation sweep her off her feet.
Roy:[to Chon Lin]You have a GREAT body. There! I said it! It's out in the open!
Chon Wang:You know what I call him? Not Roy O'Bannon. Roy O'Boloney!
Roy:Ooooh... You think you're so cool with your karate... and your child-like reflexes!
Chon Wang:We are wasting time.
Roy:What do you think I've been doing? Sittin' here and drinking expensive hooch?
Chon Wang:I look like a fool.
Roy:What? You're a Maharajah! That's Indian royalty!
Chon Wang:But I'm Chinese.
Roy:It's the same thing.
Roy:And just to set the record straight... Roy O'Bannon is not attracted to loose women; loose women are attracted to me.
Roy:I see a lot of myself in that kid. It's kinda freakin' me out.
Chon Wang:Wu Chow!
Roy:I'm a thirty year old waiter/gigolo. Where's the future in that?
Chon Wang:For father.
Chon Lin:For father.
Roy:For Old Man Wang.
Roy:Hey, Chon, you're lucky I didn't invest in that ridiculous "auto-mobile" idea. Yeah, that's gonna make a lot of money.
Chon Wang:If you break her heart, I break your legs.
Roy:There's this new thing they're starting out in California: moving pictures. There's no sound, so we won't have to worry about the language problem, and I think the kung fu stuff could be huge! People are dying for a good action flick.
Chon Wang:Chon Wang...
[sounds like "John Wayne"]
Chon Wang:...movie star? It could work.
Roy:[about Lin]Put her down! Put her down!
Lord Rathbone:Or what, Mr. O'Bannon?
Lord Rathbone:Are you gonna kick my ass?
Lord Rathbone:I've read about all your ridiculous exploits. I mean, just, how does it feel to kill a mummy with your bare hands? Only a nation of uneducated rednecks would be amused by such cowboy drivel.
Roy:Whoa, whoa, whoa. Easy. What's with the personal attacks? You don't see me making any comments about your pasty complexion or your snotty accent, or even your filthy, smutty sex books! Yeah, I saw your book. It disgusted me...
[Wu Chow whacks him on the side of the head with a cane]
Roy:AH! Why is it always the head with you people?
Roy:You decadent Philistine!
Roy:I'm guessing by your hasty retreat, that you're still 20th in line for the throne.
Lord Rathbone:One more.
Roy:[after waking up to a sheep licking his face]I've just been violated by a barnyard animal, John!
Chon Lin:[after kissing Roy]Be careful.
Roy:Tell Rathbone to be careful!
Chon Lin:Once, I sent him over the Great Wall. He was lost for three days!
Server:Spotted dick, sir?
Roy:Can you believe this guy? I'm trying to get something to eat and he's asking me if I got the clap.
Chon Wang:What do you see?
Roy:He just pulled a fancy dragon key out of his desk.
Chon Wang:That was my father's! I must avenge his honor.
Roy:Slow down, Tiger. Slow down. Quit going all Chinese on me.
Roy:Damnit, Chon. Remember your puzzle box. Patience, patience!
Roy:She's gonna fight my battles for me.
Roy:Wait, there's something different about this room.
Chon Wang:Slow down, slow down!
Roy:I'm a bat out of hell! Besides, I don't know where the brake is.
Lord Rathbone:Perhaps you could explain to me how Looney Lin managed to escape from the confines of Scotland Yard under the watch of the most respected police force in the world.
Doyle:Yes, of course, it's absolutely fascinating. She picked the lock using a deck of rather risqué playing cards. Then scaled the walls with a mop, a fork, and various pilfered undergarments. I've got to hand it to the Chinese, they're awfully ingenious, Lord, aren't they?
Lord Rathbone:Does your incompetence know no bounds?
Roy:Can I tell you something?
Roy:This is a hell of a damn adventure we're on and I'm having an absolute ball with you.
Chon Wang:Roy! There you are. Need anything, buddy?
Roy:A whole lot of "leave me alone."
Roy:You just smashed my puzzle box. I'll never figure out my message.
Roy:Chon, I have a confession to make.
Chon Wang:You are in love with my sister?
Roy:Well, that, but I didn't lose all the money on the zeppelins.
Roy:Nah. I blew most of it on the Roy O'Bannon novels. I wrote them.
Chon Wang:No, Sage McCallister wrote them.
Roy:That's what I'm saying, buddy. I'm Sage McCallister.
Chon Wang:You wrote those lies?
Roy:I've always had low self-esteem.
Chon Wang:How many books did you print?
Roy:I self-published probably a million copies. We were actually second to the Bible that year.
Doyle:You look ridiculous.
Roy:I think we look good.
Roy:I am gonna break your neck.
Roy:So what are we gonna do? Come on, think! I'm not going to an English prison. With my feathery blond hair and Chon's athletic build, they'll try to make us the bell of the ball.
Doyle:It's hopeless. We'll never get past the guards.
Roy:Well, not with that attitude, we won't.
Roy:Lord, help me. Just let me know you're there. Love me, hate me, but let me know you're up there.
Roy:Hey, I can see our hotel from here. Wow.
Roy:Roy, you're about to die. You're on the minute hand of a clock. My life is flashing before my eyes. Wait a minute. I don't remember her.
Roy:Well, what's in it for you?
Lord Rathbone:Your looking at the future king of England.
Roy:You're, like, 20th line to the throne.
Lord Rathbone:10th. But my friend here is about to change all that.
Doyle:[to Nelson]No matter how far you are from the throne, you'll always be number one in our hearts.
Charlie Chaplin:I'm just lookin' out for number one.
Charlie Chaplin:Did you just take the last Chocolate?
Roy:Of course I did. You gotta look out for number one, kid.
Jack the Ripper:Nice night for a walk.
[Attack Chon Lin with a sword, she throws him off the bridge]
Chon Lin:Fucking loser!
Roy:[Seeing the Imperial Seal]That diamond is as big as a damn monkey's paw.
Chon Wang:Roy, don't even think about it.
Roy:Just admiring the craftsmanship, Chon.
Chon Wang:Who would leave a pile of stones in the middle of a field?
Roy:I don't know, Chon, these people are nuts.
Chon Wang:Roy come on!
Roy:Hold it right there, Rathboner!
[workers are repairing Big Ben]
Chon Wang's Father:You are not permitted to gaze at the Imperial Seal.
[last lines in outtakes]
Chon Wang:Roy! Roy! My ass is on fire.
Roy:I thought the food here was supposed to suck!
Roy:Why did you let us out?
Charlie Chaplin:Why did you give up the seal?
Roy:Because I'm a fool.
Charlie Chaplin:I guess I'm a fool, too.
[Wang is trying to save Roy who is tied up under water. All we can hear are their garbled voices. Subtitles appear on screen]
Roy:Where have you been?
Chon Wang:I was busy.
Chon Wang:Patience, Roy.
Roy:Tell that to the eel swimming up my ass!
Roy:[to Charlie]Ever heard of parents? We have parents who love us. You don't, 'cause you're an orphan
Roy:We come from America. You might have heard of it? We run your jerkwatter country.
Roy:Artie, Lin is not a killer. She's just a really, really, really hot, confused, Chinese girl.
Roy:Ok, Chon, ya little Chinese otter. Let's play.
[Handing Doyle Roy's watch]
Chon Wang:What else can you tell?
Doyle:The owner of this watch is a bad gambler and a lousy shot. Although he's cheated death several times, he spends most of his life wandering in a rather pathetic and futile search for purpose and respect... oh, yes. He has a penchant for loose women.
Charlie Chaplin:[reading an invitation]"Lord Nelson Rathbone requests the pleasure of your company at a gala affair celebrating her Majesty's 50th year on the throne."
Chon Wang:Sounds good.
Roy:Yeah, it doesn't address the issue of security. They're not just gonna let me and Chon waltz into the castle.
Charlie Chaplin:All you need is a proper disguise.
Roy:I do like a good disguise...
Lord Rathbone:[Startled]Must you keep doing that?
Wu Chow:I was told that I should never be seen or heard.