Gilbert Gottfried:The only way Hugh Hefner can get stiff now is through rigor mortis!
Jimmy Kimmel:If you're a regular viewer of Mad TV, and who is?, you may recognize our next roaster, Artie Lange!
Gilbert Gottfried:It's so hard coming on after everyone else. Everyone has already done my act. It's like Ice-T already did my whole act, but I'm going to do it anyway. I'm going to follow you white motherfuckers home, and rape you fucking white bitches! See, when a bit works, it works.
Gilbert Gottfried:You white motherfuckers!
Jimmy Kimmel:Drew Carey, everybody. Drew looks great. Some of you white folks may be wondering, "What the hell is Ice-T doing here?". I know I am. The truth is Ice-T threatened to shoot us if we didn't invite him tonight. Bitches and gentlemen, put your hands behind your heads and your wallets on the table for Ice-T!
Jimmy Kimmel:You may know our next roaster from his Cleo Award-winning 1-800-COLLECT commercials, where he was recently dumped in favor of Carrot Top. Not many people can say that, folks. Or perhaps you've seen him on "The Man Show". Ladies and gentlemen, the albatross around my neck, Adam Carolla.
Dick Gregory:Michael Jackson is a perfect reason as to the greatness of this country. Where else can a poor black boy from Gary, Indiana grow up to be a rich white man?
Jimmy Kimmel:When Drew Carey recovered from emergency angioplasty last month, comedy was dealt a near-fatal blow. You know Drew from his ABC shitcom "The Drew Carey Show", where he plays 'Mimi', and from "Whose Line is it Anyway?", where he pretends to laugh at guys pretending to improvise.
Jimmy Kimmel:But unlike a lot of people, Drew Carey does his part for the American economy - keeping thousands of young prostitutes gainfully employed. By the way, Cleveland sucks! Your football team is the color of shit! Drew Carey, everybody!
Sarah Silverman:Jimmy Kimmel, everyone. He's fat and has no charisma. Watch your back, Danny Aiello.
Sarah Silverman:It's so good to be here. Drew Carey is here and I love him. He was so nice to me backstage, until he found out I wasn't a hooker.
Sarah Silverman:You know I can't believe Alan King is such a legend, and he's here, and a nursing home in Florida just called. The last person who thinks you're funny just died. Is he laughing?
Sarah Silverman:Dick Gregory. Oh my gosh, he deserves a round of applause just for being so old for his race. You know, is he the guy from the rice or the cookies? I never remember, but I know he's famous.
Sarah Silverman:But this is about Hugh Hefner - a living legend, and, uh, look at your girlfriends - so beautiful. When are you going get serious? You know one day you might want one of them changing diapers. I mean if it gets too hard to do it yourself. Look at the smile on his face. He doesn't know where he is.
Hugh M. Hefner:But he's happy...
Sarah Silverman:Let's all talk about the whore- - the bunnies. No, bunnies aren't whores. They're paid monthly.
Sarah Silverman:I think they should be role models in today's society, and I'm serious, especially for girls. If only for the fact that they wax their assholes. They deserve the Purple Heart for that. The Purple Asshole. I don't have the guts to do it. The closest I've ever come to waxing my asshole is once I got it washed and styled, but that doesn't hurt. Minus the curlers. Thank you! Happy birthday, Hef!
Drew Carey:Thank you, What's-your-name from cable. Let me just start out by saying Osama Bin Laden's a cunt. Cunt. Cunt. Cunt. I'll say it over and over - he's a cunt, and he looks like a cunt and he acts like a cunt. He looks like a bearded cunt with a turban on top. And I know he gets cable where he is. You cunt, you fucking bitch, cocksucker! I'm calling him a "cunt" because Comedy Central didn't want me to say "towel-head". He's a cocksucker, man, I'm telling you. I don't mean "cocksucker" in a bad way because I know Hef's girlfriends are here, I'm not tyring to...
Drew Carey:You know, most guys know their girlfriends names at least. "Hey Blondie" is not his cute nickname for you. Man, I was looking and I haven't seen this many fake tits since the last time I saw you.
Drew Carey:What I like best is how smart they
Drew Carey:look. It's okay, they don't even know we're making fun of them, just relax.
Drew Carey:don't even know we're making fun of H-e-f and how o-l-d he is.
Drew Carey:Man, it probably felt like fucking a skeleton wrapped in wax paper.
Drew Carey:How do you know when he comes - does dust come out?
Drew Carey:Look at him. His balls are the least-wrinkly things on his body.
Drew Carey:I can talk about his balls because I was once a lover to Hugh Hefner.
Drew Carey:Hello Bubbles, it's been a long time.
[To the audience]
Drew Carey:I was new in Hollywood and one of his talent scouts spotted me at the bus station. Next thing you know, I've got a puppy and I'm living in the Mansion.
Drew Carey:I'd like to say thank you very much. You're responsible for making people not ashamed to have sex anymore. It's great what you've done. Thanks for letting us jack off to pictures of women you've already fucked. It's very nice of you, and I love you so much and thanks very much for letting me come here.
Alan King:Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Friars have an age-old motto: We only roast the ones we love. Tonight we give lie to that bullshit. Hugh Hefner likes to be called "Hef", but in Hebrew spelled backwards, it's "Feh!" This pipe-puffing, pajama-wearing, perennial, perpetual, perverted, pornographic purveyor, puss-loving playboy...
Hugh M. Hefner:That's a lot of p's...
Alan King:A man who made jerking-off a national pass time. A man who thinks the Early-bird Special is eating pussy before six o'clock. As Abbot I hope I have set the tone for the evening to follow. And now I would like to introduce our roastmaster. So here's the man who does those wonderful segments on FOX NFL pre-game show, the star of Comedy Central's "The Man Show", welcome Jimmy Kimmel...
Jimmy Kimmel:Alan King, everybody, Alan King! The great Alan King. All right, we're here tonight to honor a great man, perhaps one of the greatest men that ever lived. Nearly fifty years ago, Hugh Hefner began building an empire with nothing more than a sex-addiction and a dream.
Jimmy Kimmel:He's been called a visionary, a genius, a pioneer of free-speech, but when I think of Hugh Hefner, what comes to mind is rubbing my dong until it squirts. He is an inspiration to masturbation. He's the George Washington of jacking-off. I could go on and on, but what can you say about Hef that hasn't been mumbled incoherently by a thousand young women with his cock in their mouths?
Jimmy Kimmel:And still, despite his age, one woman alone cannot satiate Hef's sexual appetite. Look at this table. The man has seven girlfriends and no erections. That Viagra isn't just keeping you hard, it's keeping you alive.
Jimmy Kimmel:I've read just about every issue of Playboy since I was fifteen years old and not once did I see a Playmate say her turn-ons was fucking a 75 year-old man. Unbelievable.
Jimmy Kimmel:This is going to be a fun night, and before we get started, let me say this: New York is the greatest city in the world. Yeah, that's right. I'm glad to be here, and I think everybody here will agree that right about now we could use a little laughter. Unfortunately though, our first roaster is Rob Schneider.
Jimmy Kimmel:You know Rob from "Saturday Night Live" and from "The Animal". I love both your movies, Rob. Then again I also love watching homeless people play with themselves on the subway. This man is a huge talent in a tiny body. Rob is so short, he doesn't even need to bend over to kiss Adam Sandler's ass. But I'll let you be the judge of his height. Ladies and gentlemen - Douche Bagelow himself - Rob Schneider!
Rob Schneider:Thank you. I thought about canceling my appearance here tonight, but it's important for all us that we get back to our lives or the terrorists win. So last night, I'm at a strip club, trying to get back to my life. The stripping industry has been hit very hard.
Rob Schneider:We're here tonight to honor a man who personifies why these terrorists hate us. If it were up to them, women couldn't read, couldn't work, get fake tits, go to school, pose nude to "help their career"... Hugh Hefner believes that women should be able to do all those things. Except read.
Rob Schneider:A few years ago, Hef found the woman he'd been looking for all his life and he got married. A woman he could cherish for the rest of his life. And then, she turned 20. Hef is still looking for a woman he can spend the rest of his life with, and he thinks he's finally ready for that three-or four-year commitment.
Rob Schneider:Anyway, Hef, we're here making fun of you tonight, but the truth is I love you, I respect you and - 'cause I think you can help me get laid. I hope you're here with us forever, and when God writes your name in the Book of Life, I just hope all the pages won't be all stuck together. So, all the best...
Jimmy Kimmel:Our next roaster - Jeffrey Ross - is to the Friars' Club what Lizzie Grubman is to the Auto Club. You may have seen Jeff on last year's Roast of Rob Reiner, on the Roast of Jerry Stiller, or Drew Carey before that, because you certainly haven't seen him anywhere else.
Jimmy Kimmel:The Friars' Club roast has transformed Jeffrey from an unknown comic from New Jersey to a virtually-unknown comic from New Jersey. Making his first and final television appearance this year - Jeffrey Ross!
Jimmy Kimmel:Black people think our next roaster is very funny. He took the name "Cedric the Entertainer" because it paid better than the name "Cedric the Janitor". From the "Kings of Comedy" and a truly awful show on The WB, Cedric the Entertainer!
Cedric the Entertainer:All right. 'Sup. It's good to be here at the Republican National Convention. This a trip. I ain't been around this many old, white folks since... This it. This the first time I've been around this many old-ass white folks. This the first time right here. This is just good.
Cedric the Entertainer:Hef - you the oldest. Right on, brother. My man, Hugh Hefner, how you doing, brother?
Hugh M. Hefner:Very well.
Cedric the Entertainer:Cool, that's cool. I know you doing your thing, you know. Ladies, y'all looking nice, looking beautiful. How you doing?
Cedric the Entertainer:Just trying to get me some in, you know what I'm saying? Share the wealth.
Cedric the Entertainer:My real reason for being here is, uh, I just wanted to get invited to the Mansion. I've never been to the Mansion. That's why I came tonight.
Cedric the Entertainer:So, Hef, invite me to the Mansion. I'm gonna come up there and kick it with you, you know? I'm ready. That's the whole thing. We gonna set it off. All I'm saying is, you know, let's do this.
[Strips off his tuxedo to reveal white pajamas]
Cedric the Entertainer:So let's just the party off, whenever you're ready, Hef...
Jimmy Kimmel:It's so good to see Rerun back on top. From "The Rosie O'Donnell Show" and the Broadway stage, our musical director tonight, Grammy- and Emmy Award-winning Mr. John McDaniel and his orchestra! All right. Next, we have a woman about whom I have nothing bad to say in the hope that she'll add me to the very, very long list of comedians she's had sex with. The lovely, and extremely slutty, Sarah Silverman!