Will Smith:What's your daughter's name?
Will Smith:Damn, why'd you do that man?
Ollie:"Cats" is the second-worst thing that ever happened to New York City.
Maya:Forget about what you thought you were and just accept who you are.
Ollie:Isn't that cute? It's 8 o'clock and you both get a bottle.
Maya:That was kinda sweet. I'm kinda crushin' on you right now, Trinke.
Gertrude Steiney:[very pregnant Gertrude is getting ready for the VMAs]You try getting ready quickly when you look like this! I'm so fat and there's gonna be nothing but beautiful skinny girls there!
Ollie:That's because they're all coked-out whores, honey.
Gertrude Steiney:[now crying]I wanna be a coked-out whore!
Maya:I do it at least twice a day.
Ollie:Come on, Dad. Don't you wanna live alone again?
Bart:Not as much as I don't wanna die alone.
Girl #1:My mom and dad are very religious. At night I hear them scream "Jesus"!
Gertie:Punch it, Chewie.
Ollie:[to Gertie]You're the only thing I was ever good at.
Gertie:Thank you, Daddy.
Ollie:Anything for you, Gert. You know why?
Ollie:'Cause you're the only thing I was ever really good at.
Teacher:Everyone, please take your seats. You heard the bell. You know what it means. Last week, the assignment was to write an essay about your family. Who they...
Teacher:[class: "Are!"]And what they...
Teacher:[class: "Mean to us!"]Excellent droning.
Gertie:I hate you! I hate you! I wish you died, not MOMMY!
Ollie:I hate you right back you little shit! You and your mom took my life away from me. I just want it back!
Bart:Sun even shines on a dog's ass some days.
Greenie:You gettin' a dog?
[after talking to Gertie, after finding her with Brian without their pants on]
Ollie:Do you have any questions about what you saw?
Gertie:[thinking hard]Do you have what Brian has?
Gertie:[after thinking hard again]Is it as big as his?
Ollie:George Michael is all about the ladies. "I want your sex". Does that sound like he's singing to a guy?
Boy #5:Okay, it's like this. My dog ate my paper. I checked, but he didn't poop it out.
Bart:Try acting like a father, shit-head.
Ollie:They're just skinny because they're coked out whores.
Gertrude Steiney:[sobbing]I wanna' be a coked-out whore!
Ollie:Okay. You can be a coked-out whore. You can be a coked-out, coked-out whore.
Maya:Man cannot live on porn alone.
Bart:If Gertie could see the shit you've been pulling.
Ollie:Gertie can't see anything, Dad. She's dead.
Bart:That's right, she is. But you ain't. And neither is that kid.
Boy #3:My Mom says my Dad has brown eyes because he is full of shit.
Will Smith:'Ey, you Brickman?
Ollie:No. I'm just a guy who'd rather play in the dirt with his kid.
Ollie:[having just been asked to come to the bar with Gertie and Bart]No, that's OK, I'll stay here and do the dishes. I only cooked, why shouldn't I clean?
Bart:Suit yourself. Don't wash that pan, I got a nice layer of juice built up for the pork roll, and I don't want you scrubbing it off.
Ollie:That 'juice' is called grease, dad. It's bad for you. It clogs your arteries.
Bart:It's called 'juice'. And it greases your father's insides so he can better swallow the shit his son feeds him twice a year, when he can be bothered to come to visit him.
Gertie:Did Mommy like New York?
Ollie:Yeah, she loved it.
Gertie:Then I guess I will too.
Bart:You know, you really had me scared for a moment there.
Ollie:Awww, who knew. All these years you were nursing a little stage fright!
Bart:Not that, smart-ass.
Ollie:Convincing a town to approve something that's already in their best interest, that's just delayed common sense!
Bryan:[reading his paper]My mom says my dad's eyes are brown because he's so full of sh - .
Teacher:[interrupts him before he swears]Bryan!
Ollie:Why don't you go get yourself a boyfriend?
Maya:Why don't you go get yourself a girlfriend?
Ollie:I spend all day working and spend all night with my kid.
Maya:So you would rather spend time with your daughter than get laid?
Maya:That's sweet. I'm kind of crushing on you, Trinke.
[Gertie and Ollie are at a video store]
Gertie:You should be a dance teacher, like Johnny in "Dirty Dancing."
Ollie:l should? Should l say, ''Nobody puts Baby in a corner''?
Gertie:Oh, can we rent "Dirty Dancing" again?
Ollie:Ohh... "Dirty Dancing" ranks one notch below "Cats" in my book. Can you pick out something else?
Gertie:Can we rent this?
[gives Ollie the box to "Men in Black"]
Ollie:[while examining the movie]Absolutely not. Go pick out something from the children's section.
Gertie:All those movies suck!
Ollie:Watch your language!
[Ollie grabs a video from the adult video section]
[Maya arrives at the front door]
Gertie:[to Maya]Hey! You're the lady from the video store.
Ollie:Let's not use that term too loosely, okay? Go back and watch your video.