Chelsea:All I ever wanted to do was spend my life loving you, you disgusting sack of shit.
Seth:If that's all you wanted, then why did you hire the sleaziest lawyer in town, you pathologically deluded, morally bankrupt, in-denial, self-esteem-deficient bitch on wheels?
Chelsea:I am NOT in denial.
Larry Garnett:It's like a hooker taking a trick to court to get him to pay.
Holly:Don't call my best friend a hooker.
Larry Garnett:That's right, a hooker tells you the price up front.
Seth:You've put me off women. I'm gay now. And not just a little gay-full on, Liberace gay.
Chelsea:I really like this guy. I think that Seth could be the one.
Holly:Are you serious? Does he feel the same way?
Chelsea:Please, he's a man. He has no idea how he's feeling.
Holly:We're going to go over strategy. Now, remember, Chelsea, it took me three breakups, seven ultimatums, and God knows how many not-so-thinly veiled threats before Larry coughed up this ring.
Chelsea:Oooh. Okay, whatever it takes, I'm gonna marry that man.
Seth:Nice job, you fucked up date night.
Seth:Drop the probe and step away from my ass
Seth:I'll sue your ass for damages for damaging my ass
Seth:Back to Hell demon. Back to Hell.
Seth:But we agreed to $100,000. We shook on it. We had sex on it.
[on phone answering machine]
Seth:If you have a message for me leave it after the beep and if you have a message for Chelsea then you REALLY HAVE TO ASK YOURSELF WHY.
Seth:[in the shower]Oh my God! My hair is falling out!
Chelsea:You know stress will do that to ya!
Seth:Holy shit! It's really falling out!
[hair begins to fall out rapidly]
Seth:Oh my God! AHHH! OH! OOOHH!
[steps out of shower and looks into mirror]
Seth:AHHHHHHHHHHH! What did you do to me?
Chelsea:I didn't do anything! You must have used my hair remover instead of your conditioner
Seth:Noo! YOU PUT SOME IN THERE TO FUCK WITH ME!
Chelsea:No, I didn't! I swear!
Seth:Ooooohhhhh you are the fuckin' devil! THE DEVIL!
Chelsea:Can I make it up to you?
Seth:What did you have in mind?
Chelsea:Back rub, blow-job, breakfast in bed.
Seth:The three B's! It has a chance at working.
Chelsea:[Sleeping in bed with Seth, he farts and the pets disperse]Ugh, you are such a pig!
Seth:Oh... man, I am so sorry! You know I had beans and broccoli for dinner and I washed them down with some crab cakes...
Chelsea:[simultaneously]EWWW! Ew! Ew!
Seth:Goodness! I am so sorry. Would you like to spoon me? Because, I feel like I'm past the worst of it, and I need some cuddle-time - Oh, wait, no, I was wrong. Incoming!
Chelsea:[simultaneously]Ugh, you're sick! Ew!
Seth:My goodness! Keeping the neighbors up, huh? Feet are on fire. Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait!
[farts rapidly, four times]
Seth:Oh man! I've got skills! I've got game! Ah... mmmm - oh!